The mission was simple. Turn Janet Jackson's breast into a work of edible art.
But how?
I spent the past few days searching my soul for the answer. When my soul proved insufficient, I went to eGullet. When that failed, I searched my subject's lyrics archive for a clue.
The lyrics to "If" seemed to address my very plight: "Sittin over here / starin in your face [sub "breast"] / with lust [sub "culinary ambition"] in my eyes...don't know that I've been dreamin of ya in my fantasies."
Finally, I called my dear friend Katy.
"Katy," I said. "It's Adam."
"Hi Adam," she replied.
"I am making Janet Jackson breast cupcakes."
"OK."
"How do I do this?" I begged. Katy knows a lot about cooking and Katy has breasts.
"Let me think about it and e-mail you."
Soon after I received the following advice:
I think you should do a whipped cream chocolate icing (rather than buttercream or ganache or something) because it's lighter in color. Janet is a little more latte than bittersweet, I'd say. You could flavor the icing with coffee, actually, and that would be yummy! Mmmmm.
Genius! I went to my Nigella Lawson "How To Be A Domestic Goddess" cookbook and found her recipe for Cappucino cupcakes. The frosting was a white chocolate / sour cream frosting, but I could distribute the cocoa at my discretion and achieve the perfect Janet Jackson skin tone.
Off I went to Publix on my mission, listening to Janet in the car. (This part is a lie but it adds dramatic heft to my story). Belting along to "Again" (the song from "Poetic Justice") Janet and I beseached the world: "How can I be strong...time and time again." We concluded with sadness: "That I'll never fall in love with you again."
* * * * * * * *
Fast forward several hours. The cupcake cake part is complete:
Making the batter, actually, was incredibly easy. Nigella simply has you throw everything--flour, eggs, sugar, milk and instant espresso powder--into a food process and "blitz."
But now the hard part. Creating the perfect breast color tone. I began with Nigella's instruction to melt white chocolate and butter in a double broiler:
I then sifted together powdered sugar and a cautious amount of cocoa. After adding half a cup of sour cream to the chocolate and butter, I added the sugar/cocoa mixture. Alas, the color was perfect:
Next, then, I added the nipple. A simple Hershey's kiss:
Here I hit a wall. How to create the nipple shield that boggled so many viewers the night of the Superbowl?
Suddenly, inspiriation struck.
"I know!" I said to no one in particular. "I'll use that small tube of white icing I purchased a while back."
Sure enough, the likeness was uncanny. See for yourself:
Then for the final comparison:
Genius!
As for taste, they were supple, gooey and on a scale from 1 to 10 about a Double D.
Roommates and Janet fans alike agreed.
This, ladies and gentlemen, was a job well done. Even Rolling Stone was there to cover it:
THE END
54 Comments
Trey sent me. Yeah, he's right, these are something I could eat.
As long as you don't let Justin Timberlake touch them first.
Posted by Harvey | February 5, 2004 1:44 PM
Heh. That's awesome. Congrats the CNN bit, too.
Posted by Graham | February 5, 2004 9:00 PM
Well done! Brilliant little bit of inadvertent marketing!
Keep us posted as you get more specifics (if any?) about the time of the bit on CNN.
Posted by david | February 5, 2004 9:05 PM
oh god, i don't care what i.q. tests say, you, my friend, are a genius. I'm drun k right now. but i'm pretty sure this is the most brilliant thing ever. Congratulations.
ummm.
i'm pretty hungry too.
i'm gonna eat spaghettios thanks.
Posted by palazzo | February 6, 2004 3:12 AM
the white icing looks like jizz.
Posted by JonR | February 6, 2004 8:17 AM
There I was, searching the net for a website that neatly documents one man's quest to make cupcakes that look just lke Janet Jackon's breast, when all of a sudden I happen upon this site. It's amazing what you can find on the Interweb.
Posted by MikeR | February 6, 2004 8:59 AM
satani
Posted by brujo | February 6, 2004 9:54 AM
Superb use of the internet.
Posted by Huskypup | February 6, 2004 9:58 AM
Dammit, now I'm hungry for one of those cupcakes (and a glass of milk to go with). Extra points for using the Nigella Lawson recipe.
Posted by Clare | February 6, 2004 11:08 AM
Why would you want to associate AmateurGourmet with something as low and morally bankrupt as Janet Jackson?
Being so sleaze hungry, I guess we should be expecting 9/11 ground round hamburgers soon from you?
Posted by digusted | February 6, 2004 1:23 PM
Disgusted: SHUT UP with your over conservative views on the subject of female anatomy. I like how irrational you are to compare that to your "Being so sleaze hungry, I guess we should be expecting 9/11 ground round hamburgers soon from you?" quote.
Kudos to cupcake man for being so creative!! :o)
Posted by jammin | February 6, 2004 4:18 PM
ditto on jammin's comments! i've been avoiding the whole jj nipple affair other than to post regarding the pettiness of the grammy's for eighty-sixing her appearance on the show and the censorphip we are to expect on the oscars... i can't believe the lady herself hasn't given you a ring or hasn't commented on the recipe! :-) hope you don't mind i've also phlogged the final pic with a link back to you!
congratulations and cheers!
Posted by Jay | February 6, 2004 5:20 PM
impregnate me you culinary genius.
Posted by katie | February 6, 2004 5:26 PM
Man that is one tasty ass cupcake i bet. Oh and your bakery goods are nice too.
Linked it from my blog hope you dont mind :)
Posted by Boogie | February 6, 2004 6:28 PM
I thought the breast looked more like a pork roast. The cupcakes were cute. Why didn't the naked streaker inspire a recipe, perhaps a roasting pig on a spit.
Posted by Philip Robinson | February 6, 2004 8:01 PM
I am astounded - the creativity!! I'm a portrait artist who knits, who found your link at a knitting blog. I've shared this url with my portrait artist friend's site and hope you don't mind. You're hilarious! Denise
Posted by Denise | February 6, 2004 10:52 PM
Mmmmm breastcakes.
Posted by Kitta | February 7, 2004 3:18 AM
Great one, u are creative!
Posted by paris | February 7, 2004 4:59 AM
This is great :). I don't see what the big deal was anyways. But I do like the sense of creativity.
Posted by Amy | February 7, 2004 11:21 AM
hillarious...you are a cupcake Swift.
Posted by mark | February 7, 2004 1:53 PM
Joe Bob Briggs would call these Stunt Breastcakes.
Posted by John Ferguson | February 7, 2004 1:54 PM
I will be making these for our next euchre game. We play monthly. My guess is that the stuffed shirts I play with will never get the connection.
Posted by card player | February 7, 2004 7:23 PM
おもしろいです。
私は日本から見ていますが、
日本でも話題になっていますよ。
Posted by 愛美 | February 8, 2004 6:18 AM
Those are easily the breast cupcakes I've ever seen in my life!
(Wordplay bonus!)
Posted by Dan | February 8, 2004 5:48 PM
dude. best ever.
Posted by xdaveyidx | February 8, 2004 10:57 PM
You just crack me up.. thanks for posting!!
Posted by Zephyrgirl | February 9, 2004 1:05 AM
久しぶりに笑わせていただきました。
この馬鹿っぷりには敵いません。
「やられた～！！」って感じです。
Posted by 梅爺 | February 9, 2004 7:17 AM
Nice work. You should sprinkle them with Michael's nuts.
Posted by matt | February 9, 2004 1:26 PM
acho que fazia falta um comentário em português..eu nao sabia que existiam pessoas que se davam ao trabalho de compor uma cena destas(fazer bolos a imitar os seios dessa tal de janet..), nem posso dizer que achei piada..mas reconheço a falta que estas pessoas fazem a este mundo...
Posted by Engº João Monteiro | February 9, 2004 5:31 PM
hahahhaha this is too funny...
Posted by refinancing equity loans | February 9, 2004 5:53 PM
ﾜﾗﾀ
Posted by seara | February 9, 2004 6:02 PM
ポロリに注意！！
Posted by うめお | February 9, 2004 11:02 PM
A message to Japanese posters:
I mean this in the nicest way possible. I don't speak Japanese.
Sincerely,
The Amateur Gourmet
Posted by The Amateur Gourmet | February 9, 2004 11:17 PM
LOL. good stuff. check out www.thisisyourworld.com for more funny!
Posted by Weasel | February 10, 2004 12:19 AM
I think we all needed to laugh about this one. Good work, you have tapped in to the
collective unconscious and dignified something that caused us to lose our dignity. I also agree with the person who noted that you have made an excellent use of the Internet. There's a cathartic healing in your website, I think. Keep up the good work... I think you might make a million dollars selling cupcakes. :)
Posted by Glendon Gross | February 10, 2004 2:33 AM
wow~~
it's really cool man..
Posted by 늙은 하빠리 | February 10, 2004 9:02 AM
Why would you want to associate AmateurGourmet with something as low and morally bankrupt as Janet Jackson?
Posted by more here | February 10, 2004 1:18 PM
a translation:
おもしろいです。
私は日本から見ていますが、
日本でも話題になっていますよ。
It is funny. I am viewing from Japan, and even in Japan it has become a hot topic.
By 愛美 (Manami)
Posted by marika | February 10, 2004 2:36 PM
I saw you on CNN...so cute.. I am looking to drum up some business for the family business, can you PLEASE mention me on your site?? PLEASE!!! If anyone has AOL, my pics are in my profile too (I am modeling for cupcakes too ;-)
Thanks and Kisses
CLAIRE!!
xoxoxox
Posted by Claire | February 10, 2004 2:44 PM
메롱~
Posted by 나그네 | February 10, 2004 9:53 PM
I think her breast is beautiful and that she still has that "something" that everyone loves. When it was exposed, it just plopped out and still is firm and not droupy. Way to go Janet...she definately turned on many people and that was the biggest problem; making people horny when they were watching the game.
Posted by Shanisha Ramsey | February 11, 2004 12:44 AM
for that extra sexy look, you can use powdered metallic food coloring !
Posted by twopotato | February 11, 2004 1:02 AM
あなたはホント、サイコーやわ（笑）
Posted by katsutosi-japan | February 11, 2004 4:47 AM
that's nice work. Check out my Janet Jackson nipple block on my guestblock
Posted by matthew | February 11, 2004 5:24 AM
Sure to be a hit at next year's Super Bowl get-together. Though the office pot-luck lunch next week might make an interesting venue - I wonder how many people would get it?
Posted by webjones | February 11, 2004 9:35 AM
How could I not name Janet Jackson Breast Cupcakes as About.com Humor's THE FUNNY SITE OF THE DAY? It's inspired and now one of my proudest moments. I know it will be very popular for a long time.
If you come up with a J. Lo Rump Roast, I could retire.
Mike
Posted by Mike Durrett | February 11, 2004 1:23 PM
SOU UNS FRIKIS DELS COLLONS!!!
Posted by Jordi | February 11, 2004 1:50 PM
Sehr gut!
Posted by Rico | February 11, 2004 2:03 PM
I happened upon your site via another blog, via another blog.. lol and this is, just about the funniest thing. And I am sure rather tasty bits of boobcake. This will be a hit at the next "office party" hahah.. Great job!!
Posted by Viki | February 11, 2004 2:35 PM
Good Job!!!
Posted by Fernandet | February 12, 2004 1:23 AM
ジャネットたん(*´д｀*)ﾊｧﾊｧﾊｧｱﾊｧ
Posted by poco | February 12, 2004 7:05 AM
Hot damn! Nice cup cake. ~ gortbusters.org
Posted by HotDamn | February 13, 2004 12:33 AM
I find that highly offensive.. !!!
Just kidding. I LOVE IT
Posted by Janet Jackson | February 13, 2004 1:28 AM
im from montreal. we like boobies
Posted by bigtuffguy | February 13, 2004 2:41 AM