The Right Way To Eat A Muffin

This morning I decided to treat myself to a blueberry muffin from the Village Bakery right here in Atwater Village. As I began to eat the muffin, it occurred to me that there’s a right way and a wrong way to eat a muffin. For example, if you were new to America and you’d never experienced a muffin before, you might unwrap the whole thing, unlock your jaw, and attempt to take a top-to-bottom bite similar to the bite the shark takes out of the ship in Jaws. That’s the wrong way to eat a muffin. Let me show you the right way.

Step one: tear off a piece of the top of the muffin.

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As celebrated on Seinfeld, the top of the muffin is the best part of the muffin. For many people, it’s the only part of the muffin worth eating. Should you feel guilty about eating a muffin for breakfast, you might do very well to only eat the top, leaving the rest for a small animal or co-worker to nibble at. Only, that’s a halfhearted way to eat a muffin. So keep tearing off the top and eating until there’s no top left.

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Here’s where things get tricky. You might think the next move is to unwrap the wrapping and to eat the muffin straight-on like a scone. WRONG.

Step two: dig your fingers into the center of the muffin and pull out the heart like the guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

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Many people don’t realize that the heart of the muffin is a delicacy, like an artichoke heart, but it is. True: this method is much messier than the unwrap and eat straight-on method, however it has its advantages. Namely: you can trick yourself into thinking you’ll eat less muffin this way. Also, it’s also a way to pace yourself.

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In fact, Step Three is to push the plate away from you with the deformed bottom half now too difficult and unpleasant to eat. You’ve had enough muffin, it’s time to get on with your work.

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Only, you’ve come this far, why stop now? There are only a few bites left anyway. Just finish the job.

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And that, my friends, is the right way to eat a muffin.

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24 thoughts on “The Right Way To Eat A Muffin”

  1. That is actually exactly how I eat a muffin! Only once you finish the bottom part, you realize that you’ve eaten an entire muffin…despite your best efforts…

  2. This is a terrible way to eat a muffin. Consume the bottom first to get it out of the way, then consume the much-superior top. Don’t let your muffin go out with a whimper.

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  3. BARF!! As described, this is a horrible if not totally insane way to eat a muffin. Maybe you can peel off pieces of the top but to surgically excise the heart of the muffin, then nibble away at the bottom portion? Forget it! Let’s hope season 5 of Downton Abbey tackles the issue for all eternity. If your method works and doesn’t make you look like a total physical or social spazz, go fot it.

    1. Of course when english people speak of muffins they mean the griddle breads not blueberry muffin type muffins which are american.

  4. This is how I used to eat a muffin (and I only like the blueberry ones!). As the years have progressed if I’m going to eat a blueberry muffin I look for a bakery that does the whole “muffin top only” thing so I get all the topping, crunchy goodness.

  5. No, no, no. Nuke it for a few seconds if it’s not already warm, then break it in half top to bottom (each half has a top and a bottom). Slather it with lots of good butter until you feel appropriately guilty. Then add a little more. Let the butter melt into the muffin, then enjoy with a good cuppa tea with honey and a splash of milk.

  6. I’m too distracted by how long your fingernails are to comment on how weird that way of eating a muffin is…..

  7. This is just… wrong. All right-thinking people know that you take a knife and cut the muffin, top-down, into four pieces. Each piece is then a manageable size, and each piece has some of the delicious top.

  8. I start at the bottom and work my way the top. If there are chocolate chips, I pick them out and eat them on the way.

    But to each his own.

    Great picture tutorial though.

  9. I start at the bottom and work my way the top. If there are chocolate chips, I pick them out and eat them on the way.

    But to each his own.

    Great picture tutorial though.

  10. I start at the bottom and work my way the top. If there are chocolate chips, I pick them out and eat them on the way.

    But to each his own.

    Great picture tutorial though.

  11. I start at the bottom and work my way the top. If there are chocolate chips, I pick them out and eat them on the way.

    But to each his own.

    Great picture tutorial though.

  12. I start at the bottom and work my way the top. If there are chocolate chips, I pick them out and eat them on the way.

    But to each his own.

    Great picture tutorial though.

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