Cuisinart on VHS

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A mystery.

Part one: my mom calls on Friday night, two weeks ago, and says: “Bloomingdale’s is having a sale on appliances; you and Craig really should go there tonight.”

“Mom, we’re not going to Bloomingdale’s on a Friday night.” Actually, I’m not going to Bloomingdale’s any night, it’s just not a night time activity. Or, for that matter, a daytime activity. I’m not big on department stores.

“Well is there anything you need?” she asks. “Any appliances?”

The only appliance I’ve been desiring, as of late, is a new food processor. My old food processor, a Hamilton Beach model, was purchased from Target six years ago for $15 and is cracked on all sides. So a new food processor would be nice.

“Ok,” said mom. “Let me get it for you.”

How could I say no?

Part two: the mystery thickens. Well not really. This isn’t really part of the mystery, we’re getting to that. It just so happened that two days after talking to my mom, I was doing dishes and I had my old Hamilton Beach food processor on the ledge of the drying rack and I nudged it and the Hamilton Beach crashed to the floor, a giant piece splitting off.

Freud would say I did it on purpose, but isn’t it peculiar I’ve had it for SIX YEARS and never broke it and then after my mom orders me a new one I smash it on the floor? Here it is, post trauma:

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You can see the broken off piece by the salt. And that’s the last you’ll ever see of my Hamilton Beach food processor. Say your goodbyes now.

Part three: now we get to the mystery. A week later a box arrives from Bloomingdale’s. My new food processor!

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Isn’t it lovely? It’s way nicer than my broken Hamilton Beach sitting at my door, now, waiting to go to the curb. This new food processor holds 11-cups and it has a super sharp blade and I doubt it’d break if it smashed to the floor.

I pulled it out, ready to study its beauty, and packed in there was the VHS tape you see at the top of this post.

A VHS tape? What is this, 1988? 1992? 1994?

Who sends VHS tapes any more? Who has a VCR any more?

What does this mean?

Does this mean:

* Cuisinart is really out of date?

* OR DID BLOOMINGDALE’S SEND ME A REALLY OLD FOOD PROCESSOR?

MAYBE THAT’S WHY THEY’RE HAVING A SALE?

MAYBE THAT’S WHY IT WAS SO CHEAP (I THINK IT WAS $90.)

Yes, this is a mystery for the ages. But you know what’ll be fun? To watch that Cuisinart VHS. Only my VCR’s not hooked up and really, would it be worth it?

Did you enjoy this mystery?

It wasn’t much of a mystery.

Oh, and guess what? I used my new food processor tonight to make hummus and it was a pleasure. Except it took a while to figure out how to snap the top on to make the processor whir. I almost had to pop in that VHS to figure it out but, nah, not really.

The moral: even if your food processor’s an old model, it’s still nice to have a good one. Thanks mom!

24 comments

  1. Adam — I think it is a French way of compounding our confusion. But then, they do that to the French too!!!

  2. What a mystery!

    I am very concerned about moving away from my parent’s cuisinart. I love it very much. But so do they, so I doubt they would approve of me taking it all the way across the country.

    Same with the kitchenaid. Damn.

  3. What a mystery!

    I am very concerned about moving away from my parent’s cuisinart. I love it very much. But so do they, so I doubt they would approve of me taking it all the way across the country.

    Same with the kitchenaid. Damn.

  4. I just helped my mom pick out a food processor and she bought the same one at Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and yes, it came with a VHS! Weird.

  5. i’m pretty sure i’m the last person in america to use a VCR. we’ve got ours hooked up for daily viewings of beauty and the beast and aladdin. congrats on the new cuisinart. i hope all your wildest cuisinart dreams now come true! (and you must report, does it work better than the hamilton beach?)

  6. I can testify that I got a brand new Cuisinart from Macy’s and it also came with a VHS tape. I also can attest, having watched said VHS tape, that it is in fact a vintage video from, hmm, I would say, 1984. And it is hilarious. Though perhaps I was just giddy from actually getting a Cuisinart…Congratulations on the Food Network and all…

  7. I unpacked a bread machine that I got as a wedding gift…I’d say 6 or 7 years after that fact. It had a VHS tape instructional, I no longer had a VCR. I called the company’s 800# (good thing that wasn’t out of date!) and they sent me a paper copy. Now that’s my kind of retro!

  8. That’s so funny, I just got the same food processor a few weeks ago and mine came with a DVD – it was mildly helpful only b/c I’d never used one before. I’m happy to send it to you if you’re curious as to what you’re missing out on. :)

  9. I’ve been hovering over getting a food processor and don’t know which model to get… hahaha too funny about the videotape but I wonder… can you help a poor schmoe like me pick a food processor out? I’ve been eyeing the Cuisinart combo – food processor and blender – two different cup/bowl things, same base… to save space. Thanks!!!

  10. I suspect the answer to this mystery lies in the soundtrack to the tape. If it’s C&C Music Factory, I’d say you got a model that’s been hidden in the back of the warehouse for the past 15 years.

  11. The 2 major Cuisinarts (6-cup and 11-cup, like the one Adam and I have) have been around for forever. I can attest to the awesomeness of the 11-cup Cuisinart; I’ve had mine for 5 years now, use it at least once a week, and the main blade is still incredibly sharp. SHARP. Be careful while washing it, Adam.

    And yeah, the VHS is basically a copy of all of the instructional videos they have on the site, and are very generic: how to make salsa, how to chop up meat (freeze for 10 minutes first), etc etc. It’s all very common-sense info.

  12. I got my food processor when I moved to California in 1979. If you think yours is old at 6 years, perhaps I need to get a new one.

    PS..I have been looking for whole wheat orzo. Who sells it???

    Thanks.

  13. Get out the VCR, watch the Cuisinart video, and then gather up all of your old VHS movies and home videos and have a big ol party with some hummus, pesto, and other food processor foods!!!

  14. I bought a pressure cooker recently that came with a DVD, but I guess that makes more sense when an idiot could potentially blow themselves up with the thing. I guess food processors could be dangerous, but with all the safety features they have now, I’d guess they are pretty safe. Not like the 70s-era one that my mom used and gave me and is still running like a champ! I’ll have to see what brand it is… I don’t even know.

  15. I got the same Cuisinart a few months ago (also a gift from my mom, who says that no kitchen is complete without one). It was some kind of special deluxe offer, that came with two 11-cup bowls, a pizza pan, and a pizza cutter – and an instructional DVD and booklet. The DVD was kind of funny – has a guy actually demonstrating different recipes. A co-worker of mine borrowed it out of curiosity and said his kids loved it; he couldn’t tear them away!

  16. Be careful with the blade, Adam! It’s a sharp and dangerous little bugger. Don’t leave it sloshing around in a sink full of mucky water… I always wash mine by hand and then place it on the windowsill to dry.

  17. Congratulations on the gift, Adam. I have a KitchenAid food processor, for the last 9 years. It still works great (although I confess that I do not use it that often).

    As for a VCR, we still have my old VCR (which I bought about 5 years ago from Radio Shack), and a

    separate DVD machine. Both still work fine.

    By the way, the washing machine that came with the house also came with a VHS tape along with the written instructions.

  18. I did battle with my aunt’s cuisinart a few weeks ago and totally lost. Maybe the video would improve my game. Like you, I had so many difficulties trying to pop everything in its proper place to get it to run – and with all the switching out of parts and other issues, I was dumb enough to cut my thumb on the blade. Multitude of knives, graters, what have you, and I’m done in by a big dumb blade that just screams dangerous.

  19. When it comes to food processors, no one does it like Cuisinart .. (and they will be the first to remind you of that ..) I’d love to see pictures of your hummus.

    :O)

  20. Reading these comments creates another mystery. Is the commenter “Kenny Mellman” the tony nominated Kenny Mellman, one of the funniest people to hit the New York stage?

    That’s the mystery I’d like solved.

  21. and to think, I was just about to question why an instructional video is even necessary. Thankfully i read through the comments first.

  22. I think you got an old box.

    I have purchased several Cuisinart items over the past 3 years, including a food processor, and they each came with DVDs–not VHS tapes.

  23. Hi. I keep on trying to get to the Waiter Rant contest page (to go read the comments) but I keep on getting directed to the James beard contest.

    The web address for both ends with “weekend_contest” and the default for August is the James Beard one. I tried moving backwards from the winners post, clicking on the archives list, and moving forward from this post, to no avail.

    Links should be fixed. :/

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