Egg Salad Soliloquy

I, Egg Salad, am superior to your egg salad. Why you ask? For starters, my eggs are always perfectly cooked. They start in cold water and then the heat is raised until it’s boiling, then it’s taken off the heat, a lid is placed and they sit like that for 15 minutes. I bet your eggs have green rings around them; not mine! Again, I’m superior.

Once cooked like that, my eggs are submerged in ice water and then peeled under a running faucet to make it easier for the egg to separate from the shell. Once peeled, my eggs are NOT smashed in a bowl with a fork like your grandmother used to do. No, no, no. My eggs are placed on a cutting board and cut into dainty little cubes. Precious? Perhaps; but darling no doubt!

Diced, the eggs dive into a bowl and are adorned with a loving dollop of mayo: not too much or we’ll lose our eggy essence. For a kick, some mustard; kosher salt, pepper and here’s the real kicker: capers. And celery. And paprika and just a dash of cayenne pepper.

Those are my secrets, you unworthy secret hearer. I am Egg Salad, and I am superior to you and all that you represent. I am served on toasted whole wheat bread with salt and vinegar potato chips. I am wonderful, you know it. Kiss my feet.


Egg Salad

33 thoughts on “Egg Salad Soliloquy”

  1. I am unworthy; O Egg Salad!

    How come I’ve never blanched the eggs to make them easier to peel! Genius.

  2. Asger Wille-Jørgensen

    Locating the actual feet might pose a problem though… On a different note, it does look yummy:)

  3. O Egg Salad, why desecrate your natural delicious Egg Salad taste with the likes of celery and capers? I don’t want to bite into anything crunchy when I’m eating my egg salad! I just want to close my eyes and delight in the creamy deliciousness. mmmmm.

  4. This is pure evil. I order a terrible egg salad on what is practically the heel of a loaf of bread, I pay $6 for the pleasure of this turd, I flip on the interwebs to amuse myself while i eat it, and what do I get? A photo of the most EGGstrordinary sammie ever.


  5. I prefer white pepper, salt, and a tiny bit mayo, that’s all, but I likethe chopping rather than the mashing of the egg.It can’t be too wet; yours looks good though.

  6. Thou art not superior to me, O over-cooked egg salad, for I am let to sit only 10 minutes in the pan where upon I am more tender to the tooth and mine yolk is likened to a golden but gloriously gloopy orb which runneth so temptingly into the mix and maketh me delirious with delight.

  7. I prefer white pepper, salt, and a tiny bit mayo, that’s all, but I likethe chopping rather than the mashing of the egg.It can’t be too wet; yours looks good though.

  8. I prefer white pepper, salt, and a tiny bit mayo, that’s all, but I likethe chopping rather than the mashing of the egg.It can’t be too wet; yours looks good though.

  9. Ahh, thou dost sound delicious, but isn’t the dicing on a cutting board a bit tedious? I prefer the small batons acquired from my nifty egg slicer: slice the egg, remove it from the slicer, open the slicer, rotate the egg 90 degrees (so the the cuts are perpendicular to the wires) and slice again.

  10. Yum. I love egg salad sandwiches. One of my favorite quick and easy things make for lunch. I like to use thinly sliced green onions instead of celery and capers.

  11. Dear Egg Salad,

    When I put finishing touches on you, I add a diced shallot or two, greens included, and/or minced celery for crunch. Definitely cracked pepper with a touch of salt and incredibly I add some Dijon mustard to the mayo for some kick….

    you make a great appetizer for a party when I buy mini pita breads and stuff you,egg salad, inside and broil on high to crisp up or just plate u cold

  12. You wanna try a really good variation? If like me, you are grossed out by mayo, try a little dijon mustard instead. Gross for tuna, perfect for egg salad.

  13. Oh Egg Salad,

    I thank you from the bottom of my fresh out of the oven and into the toaster brioche to the top of my sprinkled with Hawaiian sea salt and topped with Boston lettuce heart.

    With my sweet potato chips, a very fine dinner you will make.

  14. No, no! Dry mustard is the thing to add to make a perfect egg salad fpr sandwich. And a little chopped celery, salt and pepper, of course. I don’t really care if it’s white or black.

  15. Kiss your feet? The way you describe yourself, I’d rather be eating you. :P But that was a great educational piece, and I will bear everything in mind! Soon, my egg salad will be over-superior too. Hah!

  16. I love you egg salad! I cook my eggs as you do, but I still mash them up. I still love you egg salad, toasted wheat bread, salt and vinegar potato chips and all!

  17. if you want to ascend into egg salad heaven, try a dusting of smoked paprika and a half a finely minced shallot.

  18. Delicious! I made this for lunch today and it was heavenly, accompanied by a cup of hot coffee. Now that I think about it, I bet it would have been great with a bit of bacon crumbled in…

  19. Oddly enough, I made egg salad today, before I read your post. My husband thought I was nuts – my salad was distinctly devoid of any relish. RELISH!

    I have no idea who made him his first egg salad sandwich, but I pity them!

  20. Darren in Kansas City

    Such a great post that I was compelled to tackle egg salad correctly this weekend. Loved the careful process, although I was minus capers and celery. The resulting salad was perfect nevertheless. My only moments of confusion: For some reason, when peeling the eggs, I assumed the running water should remain cold. As my fingers numbed, I warmed the water and – voila – the shells came off even more easily. And how do you manage to dice the eggs without them falling into natural albeit larger shapes?

  21. Yo, Egg Salad…

    There is one respect in which you may be somewhat inferior to mine…

    Three words: “Blue. Plate. Mayonnaise.”

    Made by a small company in New Orleans, Louisiana, all other mayos (except homemade) bow before it.

    I’m sure you’re excellent and everything, but Blue Plate pwns. Trust me. I still smuggle it into Texas from home when I visit my folks.

    Oh yeah, I occasionally add some finely diced turkey ham to mine.


    ps: What’s up with the price of eggs lately?

  22. four boiled eggs mashed by hand with two tablespoons mayo, one tablespoon pickle relish, celery salt,ground black pepper, paprika, and dried granulated onion to taste…allow to sit in fridge overnight for true taste perfection

  23. oh my f*&#*%^ gawd adam. O_O I love egg salad so much (like way too much, more than anyone I have ever known) and looking at that picture is the closest I have ever come to feeling pained looking at someone’s food photo. pained in a good way. serious physical reaction going on over here. ok… I’ll stop being a freakazoid now.

  24. Oh Egg Salad, how I wish I had you for lunch today!

    However, I like mine mashed, (because it’s quicker though I do chop when I have time), with a little mayo, dash of red wine vinegar for zing (I can’t tolerate mustard or I’d use a spicy dijon), dash of salt, and a healthy dose of pepper. Yum!

    Loved this post!

  25. Egg Salad, i may just serve you to my MahJongg group next week.

    But first, I shall tickle you with feathery fresh dill.

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