Three Meals To Eat While I’m Gone

Ok, honey, mommy’s leaving tomorrow morning at 6:30 am for an early flight to Seattle. Oh stop your crying! You know Nanny Hitchens will take good care of you: that whip she carries around is just for show. She’s a lovely woman, though even I wonder sometimes why she wears a leather mask.

The numbers are on the fridge but they’re just a random assortment of numbers, they don’t correspond to anything. Nanny Hitchens requested we put a lock on the outside of your door, so we obliged while you were sleeping. But don’t worry, honey, mommy has three meals for you to cook while I’m gone! (Nanny Hitchens says you better have these ready by 6 pm sharp each night or she’ll cut off your oxygen! But she’s just teasing, she doesn’t know how to work your tank.)

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Yum, I know you’re allergic to shellfish, sweetheart, but Nanny Hitchens loves clams! And this is one of the best clam dishes mommy’s ever made: it comes from Mario Batali’s “Simple Italian Food.” Mommy doesn’t have time to write out the recipe, but here’s the idea: you take garlic, minced red onion, and 4 oz of chopped pancetta and you cook on medium heat with olive oil for about ten minutes. Then you add white wine, red chile flakes, 4 Tbs butter, and two dozen clams. Cook until the clams open up and then add linguine which you’ve cooked in boiling water (duh!) Let the linguine finish cooking in the broth, but don’t worry if this is soupy–it’s supposed to be. Serve with lots of bread, because Nanny Hitchens likes to mop up the sauce. Delicioso!

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Now baby, I know you’re a vegetarian but Nanny Hitchens LOVES chicken. So why not use Grant Achatz’s chicken from last month’s Food and Wine? Here’s the link. Mommy made the bold choice of roasting potatoes beneath the chicken to catch the chicken juices. This was a very good choice and mommy’s sorry she didn’t share but you are a vegetarian! Oh what do you mean I starve you, you’re such an exaggerator Ms. 2 inch waist!

Why don’t you wipe your tears on a pancake?

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I know you’re allergic to gluten and borderline diabetic, but Nanny Hitchens isn’t. She loves pancakes and expects them every morning. (“Delivered to my bed promptly at 7,” she insists. “And bring a nail file so you can work on my corns.”)

The recipe’s right here at Epicurious. The trick is you separate the eggs and whip the egg whites until they’re stiff so the pancakes are light and fluffy. As you can see mommy made three small ones and one big one, just like the bruises I found on your back after my last trip away. What a strange pattern! Sort of like a paw-print. (Oh, Nanny Hitchens is bringing her Grizzly Bear again: prepare the cage, sweetheart.)

Hope you have a good week while I’m gone and mommy doesn’t necessarily love you, but she has strong feelings for you. Kisses!

20 comments

  1. Funny! It’s okay to go over to the dark side once in a while — most of us understand facetiousness.

    Happy vacation!

  2. You should read some Roald Dahl books. They’re right up your alley!

    (Same humour, is what I’m getting at there.)

    Hee hee. I love it!

  3. sooo creepy – absolutely distasteful to me! What were you thinking using a child in this kind of discourse???

  4. Adam, you are one twisted son of a. I love it.

    Been reading for a couple months now since something was linked to you from slashfood, and you totally rock my socks. I’ve put you on my list of top 10 dream dinner companions. It’s a grand honor, congratulations.

    Oh honey, don’t cry!

  5. lbee, i saw no mention made of a child in this posting. that being said, i think it is certainly twisted and that’s the point. i, for one, applaud it (of course, i am rather twisted myself). carry on AG.

  6. Zeep et al – “ok honey, mommy’s leaving…” I think the inference is mother to child.

    Of course I know it’s all a ruse, but I’m still entitled to find it creepy if it seems so to me. Just not clever or funny to my way of thinking – although most of what I read here is entertaining. that’s all. Happy New Year to all.

  7. That linguini and clam dish isn’t supposed to be watery. You’ve put in way too much white wine. Also the linguini with its natural starchiness helps to thicken the watery wine and transforms it into a sauce.

    That’s all.

  8. I haven’t visited your site in months and now I know why:

    1.) “Oh stop you’re crying!” Adam, my college-grad friend, it’s “your.”

    2.) Pancakes and corns are now forever entwined in my head. Thank you so much.

    Have a Happy New Year! Best wishes for continued health and happiness!

    Seattle is great fun and if you get a chance, hit one of Tom Douglas’ establishments.

    Liz

    PS I resolve to check this blog more often.

  9. Hi Mommy,

    I made the clams for New Years, and to suck up to Nanny, I added scallops!She must have liked them lots as she let me off “foot duty” for today.

  10. …when in Seattle, Nanny Hitchens holds court at LOWELL’S (in the second floor lounge overlooking the waterfront) with a carafe of Rob Roys and a gaggle of cabana boys. Join her!

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