Choose Your Own APPLE Adventure

(1) You go to the farmer’s market and bring back a bag of apples.

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If you want to eat these apples out of the bag go to (2).

If you decide to make an apple pie go to (3).

(2) Oh no! You’re choking! No one’s there. You’re dead.

(3) You grab your Martha Stewart book and get to work.

Do you want to make Martha’s pate brisee? Go to 5.

Do you want to make Meg’s? Go to 4.

(4) Martha finds out and kills you. And Meg. Death death everywhere!

(5) Here’s Martha’s recipe. Isn’t it easy? Just flour, salt, butter and water. This one has no shortening but you trust Martha. She is your friend.

Do you want to chill it the requisite amount of time? Go to 7.

Do you want to roll it right away? Go to 6.

(6) Oh no! A mess! Martha kills you and Meg. And Michael Ruhlman.

(7) Ah, nice. You chilled the dough before you rolled it. Now it’s easy to roll. Ahhhhhh. Place it in the pan as you work on the apples. You listened to Martha and got a variety of apples at the farmer’s market: Granny Smith, Jonagold and Empire. Now peel and core them, slice into 1/4-inch thick slices.

Do you toss with vinegar, jelly, mothballs and cheese? Go to 8.

Do you toss with lemon juice, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt? Go to 9.

(8) You look in the mirror and see this and die from the shock.

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(9) Yum!

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Now place that in the pie shell and dot with butter.

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Cover with the other rolled out dough and attempt to seal. It looks ugly but you don’t care, do you?

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Brush with egg wash and bake at 400 for 20 minutes then reduce to 350 and finish for 40 minutes. It looks like this:

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Do you eat it right away? Go to 10.

Do you wait for it to cool? Go to 11.

(10) Ow! You burn your mouth! Your significant other breaks up with you and everyone calls you blister mouth.

(11) Ah, you waited. Now for the fun part. Invite some friends over and cut in:

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Do you let your friends have only one slice each? Go to 12.

Do you let your friends have two slices each? Go to 13.

(12) Your friends are no longer your friends. They call you blister mouth even though it doesn’t really make sense.

(13) You let everyone have two slices and everyone thanks you. Then you see what’s left:

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Do you kill yourself? Go to 14.

Do you carry on and decide to make another pie some day? Go to 15.

(14) The rope breaks and you live! But you lose your house in a fire and everyone calls you Blister Mouth.

(15) You go to the market to buy apples for another pie and meet a handsome stranger with glasses and a brown corduroy jacket. He makes you fall in love with him and then he kills you. And Meg. It’s a sad ending to a lovely story.

HEY!

Here are some tips I have for making this pie:

– Even if you mess up any of the components (as I did) make sure you only roll it out once. If you re-roll it you will have tough pie. So take pieces from the outside and plop them over the holes in the middle and no one will know.

– Three pie connoisseurs who love apple pie (Craig among them) said this was one of the best pies they ever had. And look, Martha has the recipe online. So give it a try–it is apple season after all. Enjoy!

14 comments

  1. I felt a bit stupid going up and down following your instructions!! but it was fun anyway… that’s why i love this blog,each post is different…

  2. I loved the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books! This post was so much fun to read! The pie looks yummy…mmmm pie.

  3. Choose your own Adventure rocks! If only you could find a way to incorporate the “Sweet Valley High” twins or the girls from the “Baby Sitters Club” books into a food post!

  4. i must now confess my love to you! or at the very least, my love for this blog :)

    i have a bunch of apples that i bought this weekend and was debating whether or not to bake something, and now i MUST! ..but wait am i allowed to make pie with Galas? they weren’t listed amongst your apple varieties.. maybe i’ll go buy new apples.

    p.s. i love the choose your own adventure post. fun fun!

  5. Okay, listen here bud. I’m all for adventure. I live in Los Angeles for God’s sake. But…

    …when you fail to warn readers of impending images of Sandra Lee YOU’VE CROSSED A LINE! That’s not adventure–that’s sadism!

  6. Apple pie is one of my all time faves, as were Choose-your-adventure books when I was in elementary school. I read all of the options in the books and in your post. What if one was better than the other? I couldn’t go on without knowing! Thanks for the memories!

    Ick, Sandra Lee. I’m still convinced she has a show because a.)she has huge boobs that she flaunts unabashedly and/or b.) she is or was sleeping with a producer. You pick!

  7. Should pull a full Martha and arrange the apples in a nice layered, circular pattern in the pie. Looks better sliced.

  8. Hello everybody, my name is Damion, and I’m glad to join your conmunity,

    and wish to assit as far as possible.

  9. Hello everybody, my name is Daniel, and I’m glad to join your conmunity,

    Wish to assist as far as possible.

  10. Hello everybody, my name is Daniel, and I’m glad to join your community,

    Wish to assist as far as possible.

    __________________________

    first of all – Make love, not war! )) and the second – my modest plavix )))

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