Toasted Coconut Marshmallows FROM HELL

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New York, NY. April 18, 2006—For foodblogger Adam Roberts, the night started out like any other. “I was crying into my pillow and cursing my existence like I always do,” he told reporters yesterday. “When I suddenly had the urge to make Ina Garten’s toasted coconut marshmallows.”

Roberts saw Ms. Garten make these marshmallows on her program “The Barefoot Contessa.” Roberts explains, “I’ve always wanted to be barefoot, I’ve always wanted to be a contessa. I felt like this was a perfect opportunity.”

Roberts began by dissolving gelatin in cold water. “My friend Lisa doesn’t eat gelatin because it comes from dead horses. Lucky for me, I hate horses,” Roberts laughs. (Hillary Swank was unavailable for comment.)

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Next, Roberts brought sugar, corn syrup, water and salt to a boil. He raised the temperature to 240 degrees which, incidentally, is the temperature at which he was conceived. “My parents lived in a volcano,” Roberts explains. “They nourished themselves on lava rocks.”

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He added the sugar syrup to the gelatin in the electric mixer which he turned on to a high speed. “Whee!” shouted Roberts, somewhat childishly. “I love things that move fast!”

As the mixture whisked away, Roberts toasted coconut in a saute pan. “Put the lime in the coconut,” he sang. “And drink the bowl up…sing with me! He put the lime in the coconut.” Out of nowhere, Roberts was socked in the head.

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It was at this moment that events turned tragic. The marshmallow mixture, which was supposed to mix for 15 minutes “until very thick” became too thick to handle.

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“What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?” shrieked Roberts.

He attempted to discharged the marshmallow mixture with a rubber spatula which proved disastrous. “Oh no!” Roberts whinnied. “I lost the rubber end!”

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Fortunately, Roberts pulled his s**t together after a mysterious stranger once again socked him in the head. “Ow!” Roberts commented.

Roberts layered half the toasted coconut mixture on the bottom of a 9 X 13 pan. He poured the marshmallow on top.

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“This marshmallow mixture is so hard to handle,” Roberts moaned. “It’s like hot paste.”

He sprinkled the remaining toasted coconut on top.

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And then let the mixture dry overnight. Roberts spent this night in a dark alley with a wino and a transgendered waitress named Kiki. “Kiki does the best Wayne Newton impression,” Roberts enthused. “Show the reporter, Kiki!” Kiki socked Roberts in the face.

The next morning Roberts sliced the marshmallow into squares and layered it into tupperware for his Tuesday class.

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His classmates cheered. “Mmmm,” they cried. “This is outstanding!” Sadly, Roberts later learned that they were not reacting to his marsmallows but to a new Glade plug-in someone brought to class.

Roberts confesses that though his feelings were hurt, he will still press on. “I am a trooper,” he says. “I troop. That’s what troopers do.” Roberts said this from an airplane as a drill sargeant opened the door and told Roberts to “move out.”

“No, I’m a trooper not a para-trooper,” he shrieked. We all had a good laugh as he was thrust outwards without a parachute. Some trooper.

21 comments

  1. If this taste as good as this looks, that’s to die for!

    Ok, I will admit that I have a sweet tooth for coconut, so my defenses were down for that one ;)

    Thanks for the recipe!

  2. Everyone I’ve seen try to make marshmallows winds up looking like they are in immense pain.

    You are a brave, brave man.

    And they really do look fantastic.

  3. 1. Thankyouthankyouthankyou for consistently spelling “marshmallow” correctly!!!!

    2. I don’t like coconut. What do you do to make it without the coconut?

  4. The first time I used a KitchenAid (Aide?) I remember reading in the manual that you don’t have to mix as long with them as with ordinary mixers. Maybe that’s where you went wrong? Still, they do look good.

  5. I have actually made this recipe before and agree that they are a big pain. It was for a party that I had with all finger foods and they were pretty much left untouched as people preferred some of the other treats more than this one. I was a little disappointed but as I tried to snack on them for the next week, I decided that they were much too sweet.

  6. This is really funny.

    Marshmallow is supposed to get quite difficult to work with– it means you did it right.

    But I have some hints.

    Buy a spatula at a Sur la Table or some such thing that is one piece. Get a bowl scraper. Grease your spatula and bowl scraper and hands and have a bowl of this mixture near by:

    50:50 cornstarch: confectioner’s sugar

    use this white powder to tamp everything down when the oily stuff comes off.

    I love making homemade marshmallows. It definately wows them.

  7. If those are from Hell…I can’t wait to die! I HAVE to try this (even though I love horses). I’ll black out my windows in case Hillary Swank lives in my neighborhood! Cheers! And thanks for the idea!!!

  8. Wow, you are a trooper! I, on the other hand, am a Lazy Butt sitting at home alone on a Friday night. Guess what I just made myself for dinner? The Lazy Butt version of this dish, which takes less than five minutes:

    1. Take bag of marshmallows that is starting to stick all together because I can only eat SO many s’mores per night, please be patient with me! Pry some number of marshmallows from the bag.

    2. Place on a piece of parchment paper on your toaster oven tray.

    3. Sprinkle tops of marshmallows with sweetened coconut. Press the coconut into the marshmallow. They do not like this: you MUST be firm with them. No, bad, BAD marshmallow. Accept the coconut. It is your destiny.

    4. Toast for a short while. Watch it carefully. I think it might burst into spontaneous flame if you wait too long. At least, that’s what my marshmallows do when I toast them over my gas stove. Poof. Take them out when they are a happy light brown color and squishy to the touch.

    5. Let them cool for… oh, you didn’t wait! That’s fine, they’re cool enough now anyway. Yum! You know, if you had used a spoon, you wouldn’t have that stuff stuck all over your fingers now.

    6. That was good, let’s try it again. Okay, this time make a little slice in the top of the marshmallow and add some bits of chocolate. Mmmm.

    7. Soak everything that touched the marshmallow, and vice versa, in water. Until tomorrow.

    8. Have s’mores for dessert.

  9. Oh dang. I have just learned that I somehow got marshmallow on the cat. The things I am willing up with to put in the name of experimental cooking. Or is that, up put to with… Oh, nevermind.

    Do NOT do this. Cats do not like to be soaked in water, especially not overnight. Also, they apparently try to rub the sticky stuff off against your furniture. Just FYI.

  10. Yikes! I planned to make these yummy looking treats for a neighborhood get-together. I have the recipe, the mixer, spatula’s, candy thermometer, two cats and a shedding dog. I think I’ll pass and serve wasabi peas and beer.

  11. I can wait to taste it. I will try to bake by weekends so my mom and dad will enjoy it.

  12. Once, I lost half of a rubber spatula in a batch of fudge. It was a very unhappy moment.

  13. You are just not right or you are a hoot, depending on the pain meds I am on when I read your comments. I enjoyed this one very much! (Soma and Demerol at the time of read) I make the BEST FUDGE in the world and have toasted coconut in the oven to make “haystacks”. They are to die for!

  14. I to watched the Barefoot Contessa makes these…she makes it look so easy..must be the 50 assistants behind the scenes..anyway…did they taste as

    good as they looked..would you make them again..I am tempted to try it!!

    thanks

    Leanne

  15. You’re too funny! I made these for Thanksgiving, after seeing them on the Barefoot Contessa. No one wanted to eat any after a big meal, fine with me! They turned out great and I think they were quite easy to make, so, I just munched on them by myself for the next week!

  16. I applaud you for making these! And don’t get discouraged they taste great! Every single time I make them, I get a naysayer in the crowd saying, ‘I really don’t like marshmallow, or I don’t like coconut” and they are scarfed down before I can get a piece for myself! I know the Barefoot Contessa looks cute with her mixer and it’s wire whisk, however, I was on another website and someone strongly recommended the paddle attachment and what a difference it made! The whisk just can’t handle how stiff the marshmallow mixture gets. The paddle is much easier to use. And all you have to do to spread it out evenly is have a little water handy..run your fingers under some water and shake off the excess. Then you’ll be able to press the marshmallow into the corners and it won’t stick to your hand. You can even run the spatula under some water and it’ll do the same thing! I just made 2 fresh batches last night after reading this and I thinks I’m gonna have me some marshmallows for breakfast!

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