At a pizza parlor tonight with five playwrights and one playwriting teacher, the topic came up of what we wanted on our pizza.
“I like everything,” said our teacher. “Just not anchovies.”
“Why don’t you like anchovies?” I asked.
“I dunno,” she said. “They’re just slimy and gross. I don’t like to look at them.”
“Do you like Caesar salad?” I pressed.
“Yes. As long as there are no anchovies laid across the top.”
“But you know there are anchovies in the dressing?”
“That’s fine,” she said. “I just don’t want to see them.”
A moment passed. Then I said: “You have trouble facing reality; you live in a world of lies and deception.”
Everyone laughed. It was then that I realized: I have a gift. I can analyze a person’s psyche based on the way he or she interacts with food. I am a food therapist and I am here for you. Share with us–in the comments–your food phobias, fetishes and other strange feelings regarding food and I will (potentially) analyze you in future episodes. Just think of me as the love child of Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Chef Boyardee. I’m mmm mmm therapeutic!