There once was a boy whose spirits would droop
“I love to eat candy
and I love to eat soup,”
he’d write in his journal
while taking a poop.
“One day I will find a solution.”
He travelled the world and the world shook its head
He slept with great wisemen
and the wisemen all said
“Tie up my feet and jump on the bed”
which only increased his confusion.
“I don’t understand why I’ve learned so little,”
he wrote in his journal while taking a piddle,
“Perhaps I’ll go home and make peanut brittle,”
and that’s where our fable begins.
He used the Craft cookbook by Tom Collichio
He gathered up butter, one giant stick-io
and sugar and water and felt mighty slickio
he turned up the heat with two spins.
And this is where the story turns tragic
Only one other word rhymes with tragic
The recipe says, as if by magic
“The caramel will soon turn amber.”
“How yellow is amber?” the boy wondered aloud
And studied the mixture, a yellow white cloud
“I think it is ready,” he said mighty proud
His voice quite assured in its timbre.
He added some peanuts, he added some salt
He wondered if the polar bear on Lost is caused by Walt
then he poured out the mixture, a peanut gestalt
swimming with glee on a Silpat.
“Swimming with glee? Why’re they swimming with glee?
This isn’t the way peanut brittle should be.
Peanut brittle isn’t known for its flluidity.”
His ego and confidence: SPLAT.
“I know: in the fridge!” he said with a laugh.
“That should speed up the cooling by half.”
He cleared out some space and drank a carafe
of milk that was two weeks expired.
One hour later, the young boy came back
“Now I will have my peanut brittle snack.”
But the peanut brittle was still wet as the rack
of a model who always perspired.
The poor young boy’s face returned to its droop
“I said I loved candy
I said I loved soup
and now my peanut brittle’s like poop”
and this poop he quickly discarded.
So what have we learned in this tale of a tot
Who knew what he wanted, but didn’t want what he got?
We have learned that when sugar gets hot
The recipe better tell you the temperature, not the color,
or your results will be retarded.
THE END
YOU ROCK.
OK, I’ve never commented before, though I’ve read your blog since I discovered it a month ago. all I can say… WOW! A song about peanut brittle that rhymes wonderfully and had to be read in sections because I was laughing too hard. genius!!
Hilarious!!
Geeze! I made this very same recipe last night – and mine turned out perfect! To prove it I will provide photographic evidence on my blog later tonight – tsk tsk! Only scared poopy people need a candy thermometer!
I hope Vikram Seth stops by. He’d get a huge laugh. Have you read “Golden Gate?”
You are hilarious!
What kind of candy recipe doesn’t give the temperature?! Experienced candy makers can tell just by looking, but everyone else would definitely need the temperature. Shame on Tom Collichio!
I HATE it when they say ‘amber’ but is that dark amber? light amber? Medium amber? What the HELL IS AMBER?
Sigh. Great post.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Amazing. Absolutely amazing…
Soooo funny! Love the view into your fridge! TWO boxes of baking soda??
Your refrig is a mess.
Oh, It also looks like you are storing tuna in its can. Did you know that once it is open this is a big no no?
Hilarious post! So sorry about the brittle. . . I have done something similar many times. My results are best when the sugar reminds me of a toasty marshmellow — sort of fluffy looking and that lovely toasty tan color. Love your work!
Holy crap. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Thank you.
I already love your blog, but this takes it to a whole new level. Please keep the creativity up! Sorry it took your mishaps to lead to this beautiful poem…
I already love your blog, but this takes it to a whole new level. Please keep the creativity up! Sorry it took your mishaps to lead to this beautiful poem…
Hilarious! Your fridge looks like mine.
Howdy Adam! I got my picture up – come on over and give your love to the porn!
This was very clever, if a little disturbingly scatalogical.
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/2682
Don’t you know that *Amber IS THE COLOR OF YOUR ENERGY?
GAWD!!!
;)
*regrettable lyric in the 311 song called “Amber.” Wo oh.
That’s brilliant! Extra bonus points for rhyming ‘amber’ with ‘timbre.’ Better luck next time!
Couldn’t you have saved the brittle by putting it back on the stove and cooking it till hardball stage? (any reference cookbook should have the temperature)
That was quite funny! It’s too bad you ended up with peanut soup instead of peanut brittle.
Laughed so hard I cried. You go, Adam!
great work! Thanks for the laughs
roflmao!! why have i been gone so long now i have! to catch up on all the posts i missed.
I love your blog. Are you sick of hearing that yet? I spent hours reading your posts after finding you this week. What a fun read! And, thank you for the advice for new bloggers. I took it to heart and you will notice many of your suggestions on my new blogging adventure.
You don’t do very well with things like brittle or caramel-corn, no? Makes me want to try the recipes myself, but my results would probably be the same. I recommend finding another recipe and giving it a go, hon. You’ll get there :)
Two boxes of baking soda, two jars of grey pupon and… FOUR cartons of eggs (plus one in the trash!)??? What the heck Adam?
Oh yeah. I can sympathize, and empathize.
I just learned to make candy in December. Amber takes a long, long time, as noted below.
http://tinysliceoflife.blogspot.com/2005_12_01_tinysliceoflife_archive.html
You make me laugh so hard i pee. Ooh I and I DO think Walt caused the Polar bear on Lost!
hilarious
http://www.brittlekitchen.com/