The Grandma Proof Napkin Dispenser

Long time readers of this site will recall my classic post “On Napkins” in which I wrote:

“It’s my grandmother’s fault.

Back in the day, we would go to Wendy’s and she would say: ‘go get us some napkins.’ I would come back with two or three and she’d say: ‘No, no, no! Here, let me show you.’ She’d hold my hand and lead me over to the napkin dispenser. “Like this,” she’d say, sticking her fingers deep inside and yanking out 40 or 50 napkins. ‘That’s how we do it.'”

That (admittedly wasteful) method has served me to this day. Until the advent of this:

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Is it a coincidence that my grandmother spent two weeks in my apartment while I was in Europe and that now that I’m back I see these dispensers all over Chelsea? Ok, it probably is a coincidence. But these dispensers are brilliant in how they prevent you from grabbing handfuls of napkins. Go ahead, try to reach in and pinch a cluster of napkins, you won’t be able to do it. Believe me: I tried. There’s really no way to get napkins out except one by one. The grandmothers of the world have been foiled. But not for long. New grandchildren are being grown in labs with narrow pointy fingers for this very purpose. These are the Children of the Napkin Revolution. T-shirts available shortly.

2 comments

  1. You can’t grab as many as you can with the old kind, but you can still get a bunch out by placing your thumb at one side, middle finger at the other.

    Now pinch together and push in at the same time.

    Yay napkins!

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