Donuts of Our Lives By, Lisa

Cookbook

Tonight’s saga begins in the living room of my erstwhile roommate, Liz.  After Liz brainwashed my brother and tried to kill me (but instead killed my evil twin), I had to move out, so now she lives with Alyssa.  Alyssa is my brother’s girlfriend’s ex-wife and the mother of my eldest step-child. 

To celebrate Liz’s newfound freedom from an insanity serum that her ex-husband had been slipping into her coffee every morning, we decided to make something from our favorite cookbook.

Reading

After much deliberation, Liz and Alyssa came to the conclusion that we should make Alice Horton’s recipe for cinnamon sugar donuts.  After all, it was a cinnamon sugar donut that saved Liz from that alien back in ‘84. 

For step 1, Alyssa took the driver’s seat.  We first needed to beat the eggs, then gradually add the sugar.  Being the daughter of the evil Stefano, Alyssa couldn’t help but add a touch of mind control powder to the mix. 

Alyssa_with_powder

After adding milk, shortening and vanilla, then combining with the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, salt), we ended up with a respectable looking dough:

Dough

Unfortunately, Liz took a few too many tastes of the dough, and Alyssa’s mind control powder had already gone to her head…

Crazy_liz

You can see here the gray hair stripe commonly associated with mind control powder victims… It took about eight glasses of antidote to calm her down (she thought the whisk was her long lost cousin Ambrose).  Luckily, we had to refrigerate the dough for 30-60 minutes, so we didn’t lose too much time. 

Once the dough was ready, we were then to roll or press it to a ½ inch thickness.  Liz was still a little doped up at this point, so Alyssa worked her magic. 

Rolling

At this point the recipe called for a doughnut cutter, but Liz and Alyssa had lost theirs back in May when a tribe of mutant bakers attacked them and took all of their fanciest cooking supplies.  So we used a glass to cut the circles and a knife to cut out the middles.  I think it did the job.  Here are the donuts pre-oven:

Preoven

As you can see, everything was in order when we put the donuts in the oven.  They only take ten minutes to bake (I know that donuts are usually fried, but I guess this recipe called for baking because people on soap operas need to stay slender…), but boy did a lot happen in those ten minutes.

Once Liz came to, she realized that her precious emerald pendant was missing.  She accused Alyssa of stealing it since Alyssa has always said it was rightfully hers (Alyssa was Liz’s mother’s step-daughter for over two years and feels she should have inherited it), and a horrible brawl ensued. 

The_fight

Though Alyssa can throw a mean punch, Liz was one step ahead of the game.  Since her fourth husband was a doctor and she got some of his equipment in the settlement, Liz had a syringe filled with poison in her pocket!  In the heat of the moment, she stabbed Alyssa in the thigh with it, and in just moments Alyssa was DEAD.

Dead_alyssa

I ran to her side, but then I heard the oven ding so I had to take the donuts out of the oven. 

I debated at this point whether to call 911 or brush the donuts with butter and cover them with cinnamon sugar.  But then I heard some weird beeps and I realized that Alyssa was actually a robot.  The syringe with poison had just caused a malfunction.  But what happened to the real Alyssa?  We may never know….

At least the donuts turned out well.

Donuts

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives…

28 comments

  1. When will some semblance of sanity return, I ask? By the way, the donuts do look good.

  2. Was there *ever* a semlance of sanity?

    Well, okay, maybe the occasional trace, modicum, whiff, tinge or, since this is a food blog, a soupçon of sanity; but not too often please.

  3. Hysterical, Lisa and company! Your plot twists and turns were riveting drama and your donuts look positively yummy. Put one in the freezer for TAG!

  4. Lisa, you and your friends are so skinny! (and beautiful) No way you ate any of those donuts. Or any donuts ever.

    Skinny bitches.

  5. Lisa, you are Too Much! I thought I was going to miss Adam while he was vacationing but your posts are so cool that I don’t [hardly] miss him at all! I’m laughin’ out loud.

    When he returns will you start your own blog? Puleeeze?

  6. Alice Horton’s famous dougnuts – the basis of many a plot twist and paternity test in Salem, I’m sure! Great post, Lisa!

  7. interesting story.. and by interesting i mean really strange. hey, any chance of posting the recipe for the doughnuts or would that be some sort of copyright violation? those doughnuts look goooood.

  8. I have a confession. They weren’t that good… I just didn’t want everyone to think I was a horrible cook since everything I’ve been making has been gross.

    Do you guys have recipes that you would like to recommend?

  9. I cannot believe you just said that about my donuts. I haven’t been this outraged since Jack left Jennifer and Abby.

  10. How sad! I was hoping their was some sort of possibility for baked donuts, but I guess their IS a reason for the deep fryer. Well, the drama was worth it…

    I do have an ingredient that I would like to recommend. A month ago I went to Blue Hill with my husband, who is a vegetarian. Now let me just say Blue Hill is the most amazing place for vegetarians, because they really respect vegetables! After all, they pride themselves on serving veggies dug up that day! At any rate, my husband ordered this farro dish – farro being a grain that was once upon a time very common in Italy, but not so common anymore. This grain is AMAZING, and I suggest you go to Dean and Delucca’s or Balducci’s and buy a very expensive (but worth it) 8 dollar bag of farro and make something with it.

  11. Lisa – the doughnuts look so good, but you say they aren’t that great. Could you describe the problem? Are they dry or tasteless or what? I’m really tempted to make them.

    BTW – I’m really enjoying your guest hosting for the AG. Thanks so much.

  12. They were both dry AND tasteless. The cinnamon sugar was good, so they weren’t horrible to eat or anything, they were just nothing like doughnuts. More like doughnut shaped biscuits with cinnamon sugar on them.

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