[Please note: This isn’t really written by Russell Crowe. Don’t sue me!]
Ahoy mates! Russell Crowe here! Y’all remember me, dontchya? I’m the hunkameat you adored in Gladiator, you pitied in Beautiful Mind and cheered for in Cinderella Man. Remember that time I dated Meg Ryan? Ya, I’m totally tops with the ladies.
Ok, so you probably read last week that I got in a bit of trouble. Blasted media always blows things up! But no, no–you’re right–I did something bad. Something stupid. What can I say, I’m an idiot. I hit a hotel clerk in the face with a telephone and now I’m paying the price! Reach out and touch someone INDEED.
But I do feel bad for the bloke I hit. That’s why I decided to make him a banana cake. Why a banana cake? Because I slipped up! See, you slip on bananas and I slipped up in the hotel, so it’s a “slip-up” banana cake. It’s all metaphorical and stuff. What can I say, I’m a profound guy!
I used this recipe I found at Epicurious. All you really need is flour, sugar, eggs and bananas. Hey I thought of something else: a banana LOOKs like a telephone. I am MAD smart!
The first step when it comes to making banana cake is to mash the bananas. Here I am mashing bananas with my huge biceps. When you’re ripped like me, mashing bananas takes very little effort:
After you mash the bananas, you want to crack some eggs. Since there was a phone handy and all I decided to make use of it. This isn’t a habit or anything!
The best part about making banana cake is that it’s fun to make with friends. I invited my pals Lisa and Annette over to help. Here’s Lisa spreading the finished batter into the cake pans. She calls me a taskmaster but I just like to make sure she does things right!
After the cakes came out of the oven, we let them cool and then Lisa and Annette went to work with the icing. I kept a phone on hand to make sure they spread the icing evenly, but I barely needed to use it. Really, look how happy they are!
Finally, I decided to throw in some gifts for the bloke I hit. Since he’s poor and all, I thought he could use a cell phone. Not only did I hide one in the first layer:
But the second layer too!
Now when someone hits you with a phone you can hit them back! Honestly, it’s really considerate. Just don’t choke, bloke!
Ahh, and after all that work and labor and phone-wielding, look at this winning finished product. Honestly, you’ll be glad you got hit after you taste this:
What’s that? The cake’s taunting me! It’s telling me: “Gladiator sucks.” It’s mocking my ever-changing hair style. What’s the deal cake? You want a piece of me? I want a piece of you!
Oh sorry then, chap. I got a little carried away again. What’s the deal with me and telephones? I’m afraid my aplogy cake is ruined:
Really, you’re better off. Cake is so fattening. And think of all the cake you’ll buy when you get that big fat settlement check I’m bound to write you… why, when I think of it, you don’t deserve a cake…I deserve a cake! Hey who put this phone in my cake? I am mad mad mad! Eat my receiver!
All my best,
RC (<--not really)