The Return of the Thursday Night Dinner Song: “I’ll Never Try To Cook Again”

This is a lame return, I must admit. It’s one of my favorite songs. But two factors fail us:

(1) I use the verb “try” which is weak when compared to the original “fall.” “Try” isn’t really active. I should’ve “tried” something better.

(2) The recording skips in important places. I will paste the lyrics in the comments so you can know what it is that I am singing.

And with that lovely introduction, here it is: “I’ll Never Try To Cook Again.”


  1. What do you get when you try to cook

    A sink full of dishes that will last through winter

    Cutting boards of wood will crack and splinter

    I’ll—I’ll never try to cook again.

    No oh I’ll never try to cook again.

    What do you get when you try to bake

    An oven full of dust and an electric mixer

    Batter in your hair makes a strange elixer

    I’ll—I’ll never try to bake again

    No oh I’ll never try to bake again.

    Don’t ask me if I’ll braise your trout

    Cause I’ve done that and it gave me gout

    Out of those pans those pans I fry in

    Came the food that caused so much dying.

    What do you get when you try to cook

    You only get flies and smells and sorrow

    So for it at least until tomorrow


    Never try to cook again

    I’ll never try to cook again.

  2. Speaking of which, why isn’t there a line to the turkey sandwich song from a while back?

  3. Ooh, new song. Thanks! I was thinking of one back when you were talking about your favorite turkey sandwiches in history. Am I thinking of something else?

  4. I just listened to the Monkee Meat- Eater medley. I’m sure even Davy Jones would have laughed his ass off at “this one’s a bleeder, get a straw”. Mike Nesmith and I take our hats off to you AG.

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