On Killing Turkey

It’s approximately 2:44PM right now, so for those of you getting a late start, here’s some pointers on how to kill your turkey:

(1)  Never use a paintball gun to kill your turkey.  Paintballs rarely penetrate the skin and when they do they make the meat taste painty.

(2)  If you are killing a Kosher turkey, give the turkey a drop of Manishevitz to ease the pain.  In your best Yiddish accent say, "So, what are ya gonna do?  You’re a toikey" then slice its head off.

(3)  Should the turkey resist your efforts, fall over and play dead.  When the turkey comes over to administer CPR, bite its head off.

(4)  Should the turkey spray you with an odorous substance after you kill it, you didn’t kill a turkey.  You killed a skunk.

(5)  Should you kill a skunk, sautee it with olive oil, garlic and freshly chopped tomatoes.  Serve on a bed of fetuccini and garnish with skunk teeth.

(6)  Should you be a vegetarian, don’t kill your turkey.  Just stare at it and say, "You and I are one."  Then eat a radish.

(7)  Should your turkey squirm and beg for its life and, after you kill it, you notice it didn’t have feathers and that its skin is pasty, you didn’t kill a turkey.  You killed an albino.

(8)  Feeding your turkey soap before you kill it will save you time in the kitchen.  This is what is known as a "self-cleaning" turkey.

(9)  Dancing with your turkey before it dies is cruel.  It may fall in love with you and no one wants to die at the hand of a loved one.  Especially a turkey.

(10)  Killing a turkey is a brutal act, but eating it is not.  Invite the turkey’s family to dinner and apologize profusely.  Pass the cranberry sauce.  Drink heartily.  And, most importantly, have a Happy Thankgiving!

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