Step up, step up ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to behold the most beguiling foodstuffs known to man. Mothers, cover your children’s eyes–the uncorrupted should not be exposed to such brutality at such a tender age. If you have a heart condition, please be warned. For what you are about to see are freakish anomolies, the bearded ladies of the food world. ADMISSION IS THE PRICE OF YOUR SOUL.
Now that that’s out of the way, on to our first STRANGE and EXOTIC food.
We all know our friend the watermelon—green on the outside, red on the inside. A staple at family BBQs and PTA-club meetings, watermelon watermelon see how it drips up and down my elbows spit out the pits. Well now prepare thyself and meet its freakish cousin…
THE GHASTLY YELLOW WATERMELON
Have you ever seen a sight so sinister? The red juices of life displaced by the corrosive color of decay. Or something like that.
We all know the carrot as the phallic root-vegetable we use to taunt deaf school-children. But no more! For now our orange-bodied friend has morphed, into a sight so dastardly I couldn’t even photograph it well…
THE ODIOUS ORANGE, PESTILENT PURPLE AND YUCKY YELLOW CARROT
How vile is our mother nature for playing such a trick! One hasn’t cursed the universe so since the advent of Paul Schaffer. Who ever thought it was a good idea to mike his laughter during Dave’s monologue anyway?
Finally, we come to a table of horrors so freakish and terrible my heart bleeds to post it here. Yet post it I must. For that bastion of summer eating–the lovely, elegant tomato–has been warped beyond recognition. Like a school bus filled with children dipped into a toxic lake, this table evokes the horrors of the modern age… presenting
THE TORTURED TABLE OF HIDEOUS HEIRLOOM TOMATOES
Has your stomach ever churned so unexpectedly? Maybe you’re pregnant. For now I leave you to recover yourselves; regain your footing. Drop your money in the hat and please come again. I have kids to support.