The Ew Department: Soy Milk

Strong opinions abound here at The Amateur Gourmet.

I’ve alienated my Atkins-lovers, my cheese eaters, and the Christian Right. And now I’m going to alienate the vegans.

Tonight I sat innocently watching TV with Lauren. “Will and Grace” was on. We were decompressing from a full day of bar study and torture. I said: “How ’bout a cookie?” Lauren said: “Ok.”

I got up and got us some cookies. Actually I made a cookie ice cream sandwich. But more on that later.

What’s important is that I brought the cookie ice cream sandwich back to the couch and Lauren said: “Milk?”

And I said: “You get it.”

She snarled but obliged.

I bit into my cookie ice cream sandwich. How it tasted is not relevant, here.

What is relevant is that Lauren returned with a glass of what looked like milk. I took what looked like a sip. And then I had what looked like a seizure.

“Blech!” I said in 40 languages.

“Ugh!” I continued.

“Ghak!” I concluded.

“What IS that?”

“Soy Milk,” said Lauren, drinking hers pleasantly.

“Oh it’s awful! Awful I tell you!”

Lauren was having none of it.

It was awful!

It tasted like frothy water and metal. In fact, I was convinced that it came in a bottle labelled: “Frothy Water and Metal.” Instead it came in a carton that looked like this:

IMG_1.JPG

People who drink this stuff: how can you drink it? Have you no tastebuds? This tastes nothing like milk. It tastes like the water a painter dips his paintbrush in to clean off the bristles, except the paintbrush water would taste more like milk. This has the same consistency as milk and that’s about all you can say for it. Eyeballs have the same consistency as grapes–doesn’t make them grapes.

Forgive my strong opinion, but I hate soy milk. I’m so mad I’m going to go kill a soy cow. Blech!

23 comments

  1. Adam,

    Looks like you drank PLAIN soy milk, which is unsweetened and unflavored. Vanilla soy milk on the other hand is actually quite yummy. Please please DON’T GIVE UP ON SOY MILK!

  2. No no, soy milk is evil and the devil’s invention. If you need an alternative to yummy dairy milk, the best you can do is rice milk. It’s a little watery (like fully smkimmed milk) but it doesn’t have that awful taste of soy milk.

  3. I hate it in coffee but like it with Frosted Mini Wheats in the morning. Not all brands are created equal. Have a taste test – a flight of soy milks – before you fully reject them. I’m not vegan, so you didn’t offend me, but you don’t usually seem quite so knee-jerky in your food judgements.

  4. I actually think the “cow flavor” of dairy milk is gross. But I’m also lactose-intolerant. And vegan. Oh well.

  5. I don’t know why Soy Milk is called “milk”… I think of it as a nutty tasting drink. MMMMMM. Vanilla is the best!

  6. after too many times spitting out vile mixtures of coffee with soy milk, I discovered SILK soy. Vanilla. It makes coffee creamy and delightful and never does that disgusting separating thing that most soymilk does.

    and all by itself it’s like drinking a milkshake. ñumñum.

    always buy vanilla or chocolate. regular soy milk of any kind tastes, plain and simply, like glue.

  7. I love me some soymilk.

    then again, I’m vegan, and I can’t remember what regular milk tastes like.

  8. My people–the Chinese–have been drinking FRESH soy milk (sweetened with ginger syrup) for thousands of years.

    And let me tell you: “Blech!” is the right reaction to the soy milk you get in a box here in the West. Fresh soy milk, sweetened, tasted many MANY times better.

    Please don’t give up on soy milk. The real stuff is much better than that boxed stuff you drank!

  9. Yes! Don’t give up on soy milk!

    I have discovered two things about soy milk:

    1. The brand you pick is very important. Taste varies a lot between brands.

    2. Even though soy milk lasts for ages, don’t buy old stuff, or buy from places that don’t sell their soy milk quickly. Soy milk from trendy hippie Vancouver shop = yummy, soy milk from small & remote corner store (same brand) = bleeech.

    I also generally prefer Vanilla flavour over plain. If you can get the Amaretto Hazelnut soy milk flavour in your area, be sure to try that too! Mmmm.

  10. For those of us who are lactose intolerant, soy milk is a life saver! I prefer Silk, but I hear 8th Continent is super!

  11. Ditch the non-Asian soymilk (absolutely disgusting) and find the soymilk in jugs at a Chinese/Asian grocery. A completely different experience, as glovefox pointed out below. Seriously. The two can’t even be compared.

  12. I don’t know about authentic Asian soy milk or homemade stuff, but this is my personal take on it. (FYI, in case it’s helpful, I am a vegetarian who lives with a vegan.) I like plain unsweetened Silk to have with cereal and for if you’re making vegan sauces, baked goods, etc. I like Silk way better than any other variety I have found. But for just drinking, if you are having vegan milk with a cookie or some cake I’d recommend something light but tasty (that doesn’t compete with your dessert) like vanilla Silk or a good vanilla rice milk, and if you just want a tasty beverage I’d recommend either a good chocolate soy milk (there’s this Soy Shake stuff that I like that’s really rich and tasty, though the dregs of the container are sometimes weird and gloopy) or one of those blends that has some rice, some soy, etc. that come in different flavors.

    I also think that the best way to try vegan milk, if you never have before, is to have it with cereal. Something creamy like Silk is better with a substantial cereal like shredded wheat or bran flakes, while rice milk goes really well with lighter cereal. Take it from a cereal connoisseur.

  13. I fit all the criteria for people you’ve alienated (okay, not vegan, and I’m not low-carbing it too well these days) but I’m still here. What most interests me is how you offended the Christian right? As far as I knew, we were all for eating, so food seems like a harmless topic. Then again, I did accuse foodbloggers of being mostly liberal on my blog, so I see how things could get sticky…but if you could direct me to a specific post, I’m curious…

  14. My boyfriend decided he would indoctrinate me into soymilk. I had heard that a) you should always go for vanilla amd b) it totally varies by brand.

    We started with 8th Continent Vanilla– not too shabby! kind of like flavored coffee creamer when I used it in coffee. Then I made the mistake of trying some “Great Value” soymilk. (“It’s nearly as cheap as plain milk!”)

    You know how there’s a ‘Sam’s Choice’ brand? well, I think Wal-mart should give up on soymilk, beacuse this would definately be more accurately described as ‘Shit Sam Wouldn’t Touch.’ Don’t skimp on quality with soymilk, people!

    It was like drinking pumpkin seeds. And yet, I found myself strangely facinated by it. I don’t think I’ll buy it again, but at least it’s filling.

  15. Pretty funny to see your “Ew” posting and ravings about how terrible soy milk is…. right next to your Google Ad from a Soy milk company!

  16. If that is the first time you tasted soy milk then you will say eww . And plain soy milk is nasty. Try 8th contient vanilla. It has a bit of a nutty taste but is really good with cereal.

  17. It’s important to remember not to get too hooked onto any one food. Soymilk is good for you (much much better than moo milk). Anything taken in too much could have adverse health effects. Like other readers mentioned, there is rice milk, oat milk and almond milk too! Did the writer every try CHOCOLATE soymilk? MMMMM! :) Probably not. Keep things varied. As for “not tasting like cow milk..” if you’re trying out meat substitutes for the first time, like say a veggie burger, do not expect it to have a blood and guts-body sweat kind of taste that meat eaters have learned to love. Sorry to disappoint, but it won’t. However, expect it to taste like a firm patty with some clean flavors to it. Besides, under all that catsup, lettuce, onion and mustard, the 2 types of burgers taste the same! And as for the veggie burger, no animal died for it. As for soymilk, it’s not going to have that fatty cow body taste to it. Don’t even expect that. Expect soymilk or other nut milks to taste like what it is – a clean, nutty beverage. The problem with the writer was that he was expecting the soymilk to taste like excretions from a lactating animal, a taste that he’s used to, and it won’t. I do love soy milk AND rice milk and the soy creamers and haven’t tried the feedback on Asian soy milks and will have to give that a try!

  18. Soy milk is the spunk of the devil.

    But then this is from someone who thinks vegans (and PETA members in particular) should be classified as food animals.

  19. Hey Guys, I just heard that soy milk is filled with carcinogens and was told at my favorite local health food store that I should DEFINITELY eliminate it from my diet. Help me out here?! Melissa

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