My Day in Carbohydrates

On one of the websites where my original post was linked, some commenter wrote (and I paraphrase): “I gave up carbs and have never felt better. Carbs make you tired and sickly…now I feel great!”

I scoffed at this poster. “Tired and sickly?” What kind of carbs was she eating? Arsenic and old lace on rye?

But now that I’ve spent an entire day eating carbs (as you will soon see), I must say that this poster has a point. This poster knows what she’s saying. This poster is my new diet guru.

But let’s start at the very beginning: it’s a very good place to start.

Getting up early is my least favorite thing to do. If I was told that I could sleep late every day but as a consequence my eyebrow hair would fall out I would say: “Eyebrow hair is overrated. I accept.”

Instead, though, I honored the significance of today by waking at a VERY early hour–7:15 (have you ever been up this early? It’s crazy! It’s like the sun hasn’t fully risen! And all these weird people are carrying briefcases and sipping coffee in their cars! Where are they going?!?). Lauren and I were going to Dunkin’ Donuts. We got there just in time to see the special delivery for Carbohydrate Awareness Day:


The morning began with what I like to call a FEAST OF CARBS. Course one was a toasted everything bagel:


Course two was a toasted coconut donut:


After which, we skipped off to bar review class at the downtown Hyatt. Today’s subject was Constitutional Law. “Is it in your constitution to eat only carbs all day?” the teacher asked. Did he really just say that? Carbs were making me delirious.

But I pressed on. After taking a practice test we hustled over to the food court for a carb rich lunch. I call this part the DISAPPOINTING CARB HEAVY LUNCH.

I went with soup in a bread bowl from Atlanta Bread Company.

Interestingly, this adorned the counter:


TODAY, it says. Do you realize how inconsiderate that is? To bake low-carb bread on Carb Awareness Day?

Anyway, here’s my soup in a bread bowl:


I went with French Onion soup. It was nasty. Watery and gross. And the bread was nasty too. Who wants to eat a nasty carb on Carb Awareness Day? I surely didn’t. But I paid for it. So I snacked a bit. And then we returned for the afternoon session of class.

Our teacher was a bit of a loon. He got on our nerves. Or was he not a loon, and the carbs were making us hostile?

Lauren snapped this picture, unbeknownst to me, with her cell phone:


I look very serious, but I’m really just strung out on carbs. And I’m not working: I’m drawing pictures of cows and chickens and all non-carbohydrate related things.

By the time class let out (he kept us late), we drove home in silence. I felt drained. My eyes rolled back in my head. Was it class or the carbs?

When we got home and I peaked in the fridge for a snack. Nothing doing. I laid down and watched my Freaks and Geeks DVD. That made me feel better.

When it came time for dinner, I resolved to stick to my carb-heavy game plan. Except I supplemented an all-carb option for a carb with meat option. I had a pork sandwich from Fat Matt’s, not pictured. It hit the spot. My body needed meat. I also ate potato chips, but it was the meat my body was grateful for. I really felt rejuvinated. Does this mean that protein really is king?

And then there were cookies. I will post about that next. But after all this carbohydrate hullabaloo I have decided that anything in extremis is bad. All carbs, no carbs = bad bad bad. But one more day of this, and I’m going on Atkins.

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