Help! I’m Being Sucked Through THE VORTEX!

You will encounter two emblematic Atlanta images on your way into The Vortex.

Naturally, you’ll encounter the skull. The Vortex is located inside the skull. Its visage informs the area around it: the punky, funky Little Five Points.

But first, you’ll encounter The Cockmaster.


Can you make him out? I shot this out of my back window, just as the light turned green.

The Cockmaster is an Atlanta staple. He stands on the corner of Ponce De Leon and Moreland wearing bicycle shorts stuffed (or are they) with what resembles a giant…errm…cock. He also carries a cane. But its the…errm…cock…that makes him The Cockmaster. That thing is huge. He’s an Atlanta staple.

Ok, now back to The Vortex.

The Vortex claims itself as having Atlanta’s best hamburger. I’m getting tired of declaring things “Atlanta’s best” anything, since I don’t think I have the credentials to do so. Instead, I’ll just say that The Vortex is my favorite place to go for a hamburger.

Bikers congregate outside. Rock music plays within. You walk inside and see this sign:


And so, accordingly, you seat yourself.

The menu is funky too. Not sure if you can make this out:


but it provides instructions on “behaving like an adult” (“You’re not in high school anymore, testosterone-boy. If a stranger is talking to your girlfriend, it’s really not that big a deal.”) and not “showing your ass” (“Few things are as embarassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar.”)

Lauren and I ordered iced tea, so that really wasn’t a problem. We diverged on our actual orders, though: I smartly ordered a cheeseburger and Lauren stupidly ordered a cuban sandwich.

“It’s soooo good,” said the waitress.

It wasn’t. “It’s really dry,” Lauren said sadly.

My burger was fantastic:


The bacon was a little too greasy and a little too curly, but the burger itself was great. The cheese was a nice complement (<--got that right this time). And of course onion rings are always a treat. Lauren left feeling ashamed of her order and I left feeling like the...errrm...cock of the walk.

4 thoughts on “Help! I’m Being Sucked Through THE VORTEX!”

  1. Are you gonna check out the Cuban sandwich at Kool Korners on 14th? Get a Classic Cuban with plantain chips. You’ll thank me.

  2. Ah, I’ve always known “The Cockmaster” as “Bicycle Shorts Guy.” Word among MARTA bus drivers is that he works as a gigolo, which may or may not explain why he’s so often on his cell phone.

  3. A Big Fan of the AG

    Your homage to V. Woolf in “The Flours” is amazing. But wasn’t it Sylvia Plath who took her own life in an oven?

    BTW, a cake played a very important role in the “original” movie – was the bread a stand-in?

    Powerful, original work, AG. Bravo!

  4. I’ve always maintained that guy has a growth or hernia or something. Surely that’s not ALL his package! It seems so, um swoollen and misshapen. I have also heard that he’s a male prostitute. Has anyone had 1st hand experience with his member and could maybe clear up my possible misconception about tumors?

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