How CNN Killed My Bagel

I decided to delete all CNN airtime posts since they are now irrelevant. In the process, I deleted my post “A Cultural Anomoly: The Einstein Brothers’ Nacho Cheese Bagel.” I think it is gone forever and this upsets me because (a) I took time to write it, (b) I even did research for it, and (c) the Einstein Brothers’ Nacho Cheese Bagel is an atrocity and needs to be stopped.

One last note on CNN: my friend Bryan (who works for CNN) tells me that the reason some people can view the clip for free and others not is that if you have AOL, you can automatically watch CNN clips for free. So if you’re still game, log on to AOL and watch the Jeanne Moos clip “Milking The Janet Boob” (or whatever the segment’s called). Bryan also said he’d send me some still shots from the broadcast so once he does I’ll make sure to share them with you. (Although I’m sure you’re sick of this by now…)

If you’re curious how CNN changed my life, here are three CNN aftershocks:

1) I am now a beloved contributor to Oklahoma City radio. No joke. I have received not one but two requests to be on radio shows in Oklahoma City. The first occurred this afternoon on The Phil and Drew Show (98-9 Kiss FM). After sending me an e-mail, they called me up and put me live on the air. One of the hosts–was it Phil or Drew? So hard to tell those two apart!–asked “So what happened between the Superbowl and your decision to make the cupcakes? Did you have a little drinky drinky? A little smoky smoky?” It occurred to me then that the impression my breast cupcake probably creates for the masses is the idea that I’m a perverted fraternity boy with a vast pornography collection and a Lynrd Skynrd poster on my wall. When the truth comes out that I’m a 14 year old midget living in Provence with my lover Fen-Fen, the masses will have another thing coming. And as for Oklahoma City radio, tomorrow at 9:35 am I’ll be on the morning show on 930 WKY with hosts Mark Shannon and Larry Stein. I think you can listen to it on the internet.

2) I have been contacted by many long forgotten friends, Romans and countrymen who saw me on TV. There’s a roommate from a UCLA summer program, a former residence hall director, a law school professor, and several Emory alumns who all caught me on the air and now want to leech off my vast impending fortune. People, you were long forgotten for a REASON. Wasn’t it enough that I fed you? Clothed you? Modeled naked for you? Where were you BEFORE the cupcake? When I was out on the street, selling my body to truckers for a pittance? Why did I use the word “pittance”? Leeches all of you!

3) My site has had over 120,000 hits. This is pretty remarkable considering that (a) I started the site just three weeks ago!; and (b) that first week my grand total of hits was like 40.

Naturally, though, the site’s popularity will taper off and just the loyalists, stray skimmers and Trey Givens will remain. When that happens I promise you this. I promise to entertain you, educate you, and protect you from harm. I promise to inform you, challenge you, and bathe you. I promise to, ultimately, exploit you, offend you and alienate you. But, in all seriousness, I promise to make you care about food. And if I can accomplish that, I’ll forever be your Amateur Gourmet.

2 thoughts on “How CNN Killed My Bagel”

  1. After stumbling across your site in the Guardian, I find myself giggling out loud to your various entries. I especilly love the Ugly fruit and Horny fruit entries. Consider me a loyalist to the amateur gourmet cause.

  2. Mm hm. I better get some link-love or I’ll put you on the list of people who have more hits than me for reasons, while completely explicable, still drive me to an irratoinal fit of jealousy characterized by a red face and steam issuing from my ears with that Snooze Button Dreams guy

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