Horny Melon

Today I was in Whole Foods, perusing the produce aisles when I encountered a spiky lemon-like fruit that looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie.

“What the hell is that thing?” I asked.

“Language!” shouted a school teacher.


I read the sign above the spiky lemonfruit. It said: HORNY MELON.

“Horny melon?” I asked.

“If I have to warn you again, you’re going to the principal,” said the teacher.


Now, I’m not one to purchase foreign fruits for the sheer novelty of saying “I purchased a horny melon.” Yet, as the fearless founder of a site such as this, with millions of devoted readers around the world hanging on my every word, I said to myself: “Self: you buy that horny melon and you eat it!”

So I took it home and named it Petey.

“Petey,” I said, “I’m going to put you on a cutting board.”

I put Petey on the cutting board and he looked like this:

“Now Petey,” I said, “this might hurt a little. I’m going to cut you in half.”

Petey stayed quiet, which I thought was awful nice of him.


“Your insides look funny, Petey.”

Not a word.

“Well, I guess I better eat them.”


As I brought the spoon to my mouth, I recalled the words beneath the name HORNY MELON in the Whole Foods. “Tastes like a cucumber.”

Having tasted it now, I would amend that description and say: “tastes like a bland, acidic cucumber.”

In other words, Petey was a waste of $3.89. The best thing about him was his funky exterior. The insides tasted like mushy cucumber and battery acid.

What’s the lesson here? Sometimes it’s what’s on the outside that counts.

6 thoughts on “Horny Melon”

  1. Try a durian sometime. You can get them in the Hong Kong Supermarket on Buford Highway. They’re the size of a bowling ball, covered with spikes, and they smell like shit (literally) and taste like a garlic-accented vanilla custard. (better than it sounds.)

  2. Try a Cherimoya sometime. Looks like a Salvador Dali interpretation of a pine cone. Custardy inside with a flavor that’s a cross between a banana and a pineapple.

  3. i bought my first horny melon yesterday. how about use as a decoration instead of the boring green apples everyone uses. i got mine cheaper at kroger than you.

    also i put it in a smoothie and it was really good.



    coconut oil 1 table spoon

    1 whole horny melon

    cinimin 1 teaspoon

    green tea

    2 eggs(cooked)

    some ice

    some grapes

    1 cup of goat milk

    it was really tastey.

    do you know the nutritional value of the horny fruit? do they come in any other colors besides–yellow/orangey

    you must try it again—but get it at the grocery–

  4. Horny fruit is also known as dragon fruit. It’s also available with a hot pink outside and a white inside. I think it is the fruit of a certain cactus. It actually has a lot of nutrients, so lots of people on diets eat them in Hong Kong. I had mine in Reunion.

  5. It looks like a guava, but it’s not as sweet. Sorry, but Battery acid it ain’t. Perhaps it’s not the best tasting exotic fruit out there but, what-the-hey, it looks pretty cool on the outside, and the taste of cucumber is pronounced. Admitedly, it’s probably not worth the higher price but, again, what the heck. It’s just one of the many, interesting things to try in the world. I thought it was fun and worth the price of admission.

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