The Amateur Gourmet

Waking up to "Ultimate Kitchens" is like waking up in an elevator with Leeza Gibbons. This is the show you will watch when you're 90, strapped to a bed and so pumped full of morphine that shadow puppets and the tri-color off-the-air TV signal amount to high art. The show involves a perky woman (pictured above) in a purple shirt (she's wearing the same shirt in the photo that she's wearng on the show) haunting the kitchen of a mostly willing guest. Today's guest is an artist. She's done exciting things like build more counter space and mount birch wood on her walls. A typical pre-commercial cliffhanger is (quoted verbatim): "Coming up next? She wanted a kitchen with style that wouldn't break her budget. The solution? Rice paper." It hurts to watch this show...thank God it's over.

Sara Moulton is the Food Network at its best. She's instructive, witty and fun--watching her show is edifying without feeling that way. She embodies the spirit of a great teacher. And actually she reminds me of one of my favorite teachers from high school, Mrs. Stenner. Both are professional but with a great enthusiasm for their subject. Mrs. Stenner taught English; Sara Moulton teaches food.

Today's theme is Italian food. Sara starts out on Arthur Avenue in the Bronx where, apparently, the true Little Italy can be found. She shops for pork chops and clams and yuks it up with the counterpeople. God, I love Sara Moulton.

Plus, she's spunky. For example she just made linguini with clam sauce. Quote: "I love clams. I know this will sound terrible, but I think you'd be a moron to mess them up. They give up such a delicious sauce."

While writing this essay, my computer froze and I had to start again. But with Sara that's easy. She's my muse. Here's a tip from the last segment. The worst crime you could commit against pasta, according to Italians, is to rinse the noodles after you cook them. But when making lasagna or manicotti (which Sara just made), you bring the cooked noodles in the pot to the sink and start running cold water into it until the water turns cold. Then the noodles won't stick.

In her free time, when not shooting profound Food TV shows, Sara is the executive chef at Gourmet Magazine. I bet she spends her nights curing cancer. Sara Moulton rocks.

Double your Sara, double your fun. Two episodes back to back? I'm in heaven.

Now Sara's making papillote: food cooked in a bag. I tried this once and almost killed Lauren with uncooked fish. But Sara makes it look easy.

Sara warns: "Cooking fish in parchament paper looks so pretty, but be careful when serving it to your guests--make sure they know not to eat the parchament! When I used to work at this restaurant, La Toile, the waiter brought fish in parchament paper over to a table and the guest started eating the paper. Don't let this happen to you!"

Uh oh Sara made a boo-boo before the break, talking about Baked Alaska: "I told you to put the ice cream in the microwave for 20-30 minutes. I don't think so! I meant 20-30 seconds."

Now a guest is talking to Sara on the phone. This guest is a little dull and Sara, like any good hostess, feigns interest. She also gets her off the phone quickly.

Sara always ends her shows with a Game Plan. What you can do a few days ahead, etc etc. Ah, now the show's over and I'm starving. When planning a Food TV Marathon one should probably have food in the house. Now I might starve to death. If you don't hear from me in a little while, send over an emergency danish. Which is a nice segue to the next show...

Tyler Florence is from the pretty boy school of chefs made so popular, lately, by Rocco of reality TV fame. I can't stand Rocco--he's such an asshole to his staff. Tyler Florence, on the other hand, at least seems like a nice guy. And this show is a semi-neat concept: he goes into people's homes and helps them cook things they're afraid of or bad at making.

Today that's a whole fish. And already he's giving some helpful tips---finding big enough baking pans, etc etc. That's why this show falls into the "good" category of Food TV shows; it comes nowhere close to the inanity of "Kitchens" (whatever that show was I watched this morning, I already blocked it out of my memory). Tyler's an actual chef with actual knowledge. What a novel concept.

Amazing how fennel is such a popular food on the Food Network, at least when it comes to fish. Sara just used it in her papillote, the Barefoot Contessa uses it in her salmon, and now Tyler's stuffing it into the fish along with tangerines. Looks good.

Actually, Tyler is winning me over. Not only is he giving this lady pointers, he's making her do scary stuff to help get over her fears. He just made her flip a the fish over in hot oil with a spatula and her hand, all the while chanting: "Gracefully, gracefully, gracefully..." Sure, she burnt her hand off, but who needs a hand when your fish tastes great?

Mmmm, actually all this food looks really great. This is the most appetizing stuff I've seen so far today--the whole fish, anchovies with lemon and mint salsa--although, to be fair, I'm still starving to death. Actually, I'm taking one for the team and running to Whole Foods... I'll be back in time for the next show!

Bobby Flay presents another Food Network problem. If my first major critique is that too much of Food TV is filler and fluff, my second major critique is that just because someone is a star chef doesn't mean that they should be a star.

Being a great chef involves many skills--dexterity, intelligence, leadership--but does not necessarily require charm or humor beyond what's required in the business world. Being affable does not mean that you belong on TV. Such is the case with Bobby Flay.

First, there's his speech pattern which reminds me way too much of Steve on "Sex and the City." His Rs and Ls are Ws, and he speaks gruffly and impatiently. He looks like he's really uncomfortalbe on TV, and that's probably why the producers padded the show with "colorful" commentators, like this lady who sits on a couch and banters with Bobby.

That banter is painful.

Bobby: "I love butter...I wish I could put butter on everything!"

Woman: "Oh Bobby, are you trying to get free butter from the butter people!"

This, however, is not ultrabad FoodTV. Bobby is incredibly talented---his food looks great. Today's recipe was peppercorn crusted veal. I've eaten at The Mesa Grill in NY and loved it. Bobby knows his stuff but he can't anchor a TV show. Other Food TV shows solve the problem with format: think of the Iron Chef. You can sit back and watch the chefs do what they do best which is cook, not banter. Bobby's actually been on the Iron Chef and there he was--well, slightly obnoxious: he stood up on the cutting board in a victory pose and disgusted his competitor. But at least he wasn't talking. And that, my friends, is a good start.

OH MY GOD, THIS WOMAN IS THE DEVIL.

What IS this show!?

There's this woman in a kitchen and a little doggie is scratching on the door. "You wanna come in?" asks the lady. The dog scratches. The woman giggles. She lets the dog in and turns to the camera. "I just got back from shopping at one of those bulk stores and you KNOW my car is LOADED with pork chops!"

She says things like: "BEAUTIFUL EASY QUICK: my favorite words when it applies to cooking!"

"Let's throw that in the pan, get that going... sizzle sizzle sizzle!"

"Make a shnitzel sandwich, why the heck not?"

I am getting the impression that this is a family values show geared towards family values people (I think the giveaway is the "Family Circle" in the title). I think this woman was forged in a lab with the genetic material of Jerry Falwell and Julia Child. Actually, that's way too kind. Not Julia Child... RACHEL RAY (thundeclap).

Her food looks so nasty. She just cooked pork chops in a pan and they looked gross and then she cooked a red onion with wine and dumped it on top. Yuck. Now she's using canned corn and canned beans and bottled BBQ sauce to make some sort of sauce. This woman will be my private chef in Hell.

More with Tyler Florence and a perky co-host who reminds me of Reese Witherspoon in Election.

This woman is such a spazz. They're making Teriyaki chicken wings and while making the sauce, Tyler asks her to add the brown sugar. She opens the box and begins shaking and the entire BAG falls into the pot. The woman yelps and Tyler says, "It must be really humid in here today." Huh?

Anyway, this show is painless and innocuous. Tyler, the producers must feel, needs a foil but I disagree. Unlike Bobby Flay, I think he can anchor his own show. Let's hang Ms. Perky out to dry. Actually, Tyler's kind of funny when she does stupid things. She just said: "Exsqueeze me," as she squeezed by him. The pain in Tyler's face was worth the price of admission.

Ha, actually this show is getting funny. I like how hostile Tyler is. The chicken wings came out of the oven and he wants her to toss them in the sauce. She shifts them around with the tongs. "Can you toss them?" presses Tyler, "Like from the bottom?" You can taste the tension.

I think this show is cute. I've seen it before, and it's a fine thing to watch when you're drunk and you stumble home and you can't find your bedroom. I mean, of course it tips closer to the filler/fluff category of Food TV shows, but there's some merit here. Basically they to go people's homes and let them cook their favorite recipe. It's nice because it's real people cooking stuff that they really cook in their real lives so there's a level of cultural authenticity frequently missing from even the most exotic Food TV show.

For example, today's recipe is curried goat. This Jamaican woman just showed her technique for cracking open a coconut. You blow on it as you rotate it in the direction you want it to open and then slam it on the ground. Miraculously it opened just where she blew. Try that, Martin Yan!

MENTAL HEALTH ALERT:
I have now been watching the Food Network for four hours. My brain is beginning to pulsate. Can I go the final 8 without cracking? Stay tuned.

I hate this show so much. Best of? More like Worst Ever.

It's like watching a travelling infomercial. Mark Silverstein and Jill Cordes are to food what your local weatherman is to meteorology. Actual, they're worse. There's something corrupt about this show: money is changing hands somewhere. Basically Mark and Jill go across the country and eat at restaurants and that's it. I'm sure the Food Network calls ahead, I'm sure they're getting the food free and I think that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, it's not like the places that they go to are notable or culturally significant. For example, they're in Atlanta right now (I live there) and where do they go? Dante's Down The Hatch, a Buckhead fondue spot that I hear is way overrated and way expensive. It's not like Atlanta is known for its fondue.

They're letting the owner talk to the camera now: "Fondue is great for conversation---I'll walk by a table and I'll hear things like 'hey that's my mushroom,' or 'can you pass a shrimp,' or 'have you tried this sauce?' It's a really great social night out."

Ugh. This is baaaaad Food Network crap. It's like McDonalds, without the french fries. I have the TV on mute and I'm going to go pack the kitchen.

The difference between Food Finds and Best Of is? Ummm, different hosts?

Otherwise it's the exact same show. I think it's equally pointless. Although some guy just made sticky buns that looked good. How did he make them? Sorry, for that you'll have to watch another show.

I bet these shows are more expensive to produce than the other shows. I mean they have to pay for travel, hotels, meals out... Of course, they probably make money on these shows: I know they sell them to Delta. They're so banal and inoffensive that airlines can safely show them to people trapped on a plane. Can you imagine paying $5 to buy headphones to watch this?

Bring a book.

"Hi there I'm Rachel Ray and I make 30 minute meals."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I have this nightmare vision of Rachel Ray like Chucky in "Child's Play" pacing around my room with her toothy smile and repeating that opening incantation: "I'm Rachel Ray, I make 30 minute meals" over and over again, wielding a chef's knife.

Rachel Ray has her defenders. I will squeeze out a few compliments from my repertoire of Raytred. Umm, well she's practical. If you're a working mother and you come home and you need ideas for a quick dinner, I'm sure a 30 minute meal is very appealing. I won't argue that her show doesn't offer anything to viewers who crave this sort of thing; I'll simply argue that she's the most irritating woman on TV and that every time I see her or hear her speak I want to vomit.

It's just that she's so self-consciously cutesy. She thinks that she's adorable and rests all her laurels on that notion. She's like "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" except she's still Baby Jane. Someone needs to feed her a dead rat.

Like here I'll quote her verbatim: "We're going to take a quick break but come right back because you don't want to miss a MINUTE of this sandwich, it is SPECIAL."

I'd imagine that teachers of the mentally challenged address their audience with more dignity. I feel like I should put on Pampers and chew a pacifier. How fitting, she just said: "I love cooking dinner every night because I just LOVE playing with my food. Hahaha."

That hahaha is there to illustrate Ray's obnoxious way of making herself laugh. It's all part of the cutesy-wutesy package. It sounds like the sounding call of the apocalypse.

More Food 911, this time drinks. Tyler made a rocking bloody mary, now he's making a Mimosa creamsicle. The guest is a pretty blonde (what's with Tyler and pretty blondes?) and I think Tyler's being a bit flirty. They just toasted their creamsicles and he said, "See how the cream's coming out?" Ummm, Tyler.

Thank God. Just when I thought I'd hit bottom comes "Molto Mario." This is, in my opinion, the best show on the Food Network. It may not seem that way at first. The first few times I watched this show I wasn't particularly charmed by it; in fact, I found Mario to be a bit abrasive. To be honest, what really made me give it a second chance was the New Yorker profile of Mario that came out a few years ago. Before then, I didn't realize what an accomplished chef he is; now I realize that he's responsible for some of New York's greatest restaurants.

And of course among those restaurants is my favorite restaurant in the world, Babbo. So watching Mario cook on TV is like watching the secrets of your favorite movie revealed.

He starts every show with a history lesson. You learn about the region he's cooking from and the significance of the dishes he's going to cook. Today's region is Latzio (sp?) and he explains that distance from the equator informs the style of cooking since Northern regions have different climates and therefore different ingredients from more Southern regions. He goes way more in depth and it's difficult to keep up. This is Food TV's version of a master class in cooking.

I tried to capture verbatim his explanation of pancetta: "They take the pork belly, they take it off the bone, they season it with salt, rosemary...each butcher has their own style...they allow it to sit there for 6 to 12 days, and they'll roll it up or they'll leave it without rolling it up."

Of course even that, I couldn't quite get it all down. Mario offers up such an abundance of information that your mind can barely keep up with your eyes as you take in all the beautiful things he's cooking.

He's such a wonderful mentor. He's telling us now to find our own butcher and fishmonger; "they're holding the coolest stuff for their regular customers. I beseach you to find a real butcher, not to go to the mainstream grocery stores where the meat's wrapped in toilet paper beneath a piece of plastic." Ha! Actually, when I get to New York I plan to do just that. Anyone know any good butchers in Chelsea?

Now he's talking about buying fresh, local food. "Anyone who's had a strawberry that was picked that day and kept at the temperature it was picked at and not refrigerated---it's like having sex." I like sex! I plan to eat many strawberries when I get to New York.

Now enunciation--- brus-sketta, not bru-shetta. "Bru-shetta is somebody who didn't understand the letter C."

Of all the shows I've watched so far today his is the one that makes me most want to cook right now. Everything looks so delicious. And do-able! I mean when Tyler Florence cooked this big block of beef before it looked yummy but I'm still terrified of all it involved. Here, Mario's slicing and dicing, sauteeing and stirring and it all looks so easy. Too bad all my kitchen equipemnts on a table ready for the movers.

"When you're cooking food you want to look at three things: the flavor, the texture, and how it looks." Got it! God, there's so much good advice you might as well watch the show yourself.

Meanwhile, his guests are usually a kooky mix. Sometimes there's celebrities--Jake and Maggie Gyllenhall, Mario Cantone--other times, food workers. Today there's a batty woman with vintage glasses and red hair and a scarf around her neck. She keeps interrupting with loud questions and I think she's getting on Mario's nerves.

Anyway, if there's one show I'd advise you to watch on the Food Network, this is it. You'll learn molto.

Ragging on Emeril is a favorite past-time of foodies. Anthony Bourdain calls him an Ewok. eGullet has entire divisions devoted to Emeril bashing. I'm a former Emeril basher myself. It's fun to hate him.

I mean all that "bam!"-ing and audience mugging, it's like watching some weird creature in some weird studio in a galaxy far far away. The whole phenomenon eludes me.

But, ya now, watching him now I don't feel the same hate I feel towards Rachel Ray. I don't want to drown him like I want to drown the Family Circle woman. I just don't want to be trapped in an elevator with him and I mostly don't want to eat his food. Some of it looks fine, but honestly lentil crackers (which he's making now) just isn't my thing.

What is charming about Emeril, I suppose, is his old world qualities. He just seems like he is who he is, completely unaffected by modern times. He's clearly not pretentious, and that's admirable. And, ya know, he is the lifeblood of the Food Network. So I'll leave Emeril alone and say, simply, that his show is not my cup of bam.

Back to Sara; now we're doing fish. She said, "You may be surprised to know that some of the freshest fish in NY is in a train station." Sure enough, in Grand Central there's a great looking fish shop (now I forget the name). Maybe I'll buy some housewarming fish there upon my arrival.

In other news, I'm wimping out: this marathon will end at 5:30. I feel like I may die if I watch another cooking show.