Waiter, Don’t Take My Plate Away

Back in the old days of my blog, I used to write Thursday Night Dinner Songs. Those files went missing, I got older and more self-conscious, and the days of food related songs on my blog were over. But tonight I Tweeted that I wanted to write a country song called: “Waiter, Don’t Take My Plate Away” (because so many servers take our plates away before we’re finished) and was surprised to see it get ReTweeted many, many times. So then I thought: “What if I actually write it?” I sat down at the piano, took out a notepad, and created the song you can hear up above. A few notes: (1) sorry that you can see up my nostrils; (2) sorry that I turn blue every few seconds; (3) yes, it sounds like Dolly Parton’s “Why’d You Come In Here Looking Like That?”; and (4) I know I’m not a great singer, which is why I’d love for you to record your own version of the song….

I’ll paste the lyrics below and if you’re musically inclined, feel free to make your own YouTube version and send it my way and if it’s good I’ll be sure to post it on the blog.

Now I just have to shake this country accent.

Waiter, Don’t Take My Plate Away
Music and lyrics by Adam Roberts and possibly Dolly Parton

Waiter don’t take my plate away
I know you’re turning tables but that’s not ok
I wasn’t really finished with my chicken Satay
Waiter don’t take my plate away.

There I was, in the middle of dinner
Talking to my best friend Sue
She was telling a tale about raising chickens
While chewing on her Frogmore stew
I was so engrossed in hearing her story
About breaking up chicken fights
That I didn’t notice my plate went missing
And I’d only had seven bites!

Waiter don’t take my plate away
I haven’t even sampled the goat cheese parfait
Or sipped from my glass of Boujelais
Waiter don’t take my plate away.


When I asked for the check there were endless charges
For things I didn’t get to eat
Like a side of sweet potato salad
And a coleslaw made out of meat.
The waiter took away so many courses
Both Sue and I were aghast
I said, “Hell I don’t think we’ve eaten dinner
We may as well be on a cleansing fast!”

Waiter don’t take my plate away
You know I want to sample the kiwi sorbet
And see how it pairs with the almond soufflé
Waiter don’t take my plate away.

Waiter don’t take my plate away
I know you’re turning tables, but that’s not ok
I’m a loyal patron of your dingy café
Waiter don’t take my plate away!

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