Cuisinart on VHS

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A mystery.

Part one: my mom calls on Friday night, two weeks ago, and says: “Bloomingdale’s is having a sale on appliances; you and Craig really should go there tonight.”

“Mom, we’re not going to Bloomingdale’s on a Friday night.” Actually, I’m not going to Bloomingdale’s any night, it’s just not a night time activity. Or, for that matter, a daytime activity. I’m not big on department stores.

“Well is there anything you need?” she asks. “Any appliances?”

The only appliance I’ve been desiring, as of late, is a new food processor. My old food processor, a Hamilton Beach model, was purchased from Target six years ago for $15 and is cracked on all sides. So a new food processor would be nice.

“Ok,” said mom. “Let me get it for you.”

How could I say no?

Part two: the mystery thickens. Well not really. This isn’t really part of the mystery, we’re getting to that. It just so happened that two days after talking to my mom, I was doing dishes and I had my old Hamilton Beach food processor on the ledge of the drying rack and I nudged it and the Hamilton Beach crashed to the floor, a giant piece splitting off.

Freud would say I did it on purpose, but isn’t it peculiar I’ve had it for SIX YEARS and never broke it and then after my mom orders me a new one I smash it on the floor? Here it is, post trauma:

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You can see the broken off piece by the salt. And that’s the last you’ll ever see of my Hamilton Beach food processor. Say your goodbyes now.

Part three: now we get to the mystery. A week later a box arrives from Bloomingdale’s. My new food processor!

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Isn’t it lovely? It’s way nicer than my broken Hamilton Beach sitting at my door, now, waiting to go to the curb. This new food processor holds 11-cups and it has a super sharp blade and I doubt it’d break if it smashed to the floor.

I pulled it out, ready to study its beauty, and packed in there was the VHS tape you see at the top of this post.

A VHS tape? What is this, 1988? 1992? 1994?

Who sends VHS tapes any more? Who has a VCR any more?

What does this mean?

Does this mean:

* Cuisinart is really out of date?

* OR DID BLOOMINGDALE’S SEND ME A REALLY OLD FOOD PROCESSOR?

MAYBE THAT’S WHY THEY’RE HAVING A SALE?

MAYBE THAT’S WHY IT WAS SO CHEAP (I THINK IT WAS $90.)

Yes, this is a mystery for the ages. But you know what’ll be fun? To watch that Cuisinart VHS. Only my VCR’s not hooked up and really, would it be worth it?

Did you enjoy this mystery?

It wasn’t much of a mystery.

Oh, and guess what? I used my new food processor tonight to make hummus and it was a pleasure. Except it took a while to figure out how to snap the top on to make the processor whir. I almost had to pop in that VHS to figure it out but, nah, not really.

The moral: even if your food processor’s an old model, it’s still nice to have a good one. Thanks mom!

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