Tom Cruise’s Placenta Polenta
April 19, 2006 | By Adam Roberts | 56 Comments“”I’m going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.” – Tom Cruise, GQ Magazine
Yeow! Tom Cruise here! Katie–the most beautiful, breathtaking womanly woman in the universe, God I love her so much–just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Naturally, I’m going to do what any normal L. Ron Hubbard-loving dad would do and eat the placenta. Yum! But I’m not no lame-ass Native American type placenta eater (no offense to Native Americans, I loved your work in “Dances With Wolves”–you guys were so amazing), I’m a believer in serving up placenta with flair. So here’s my recipe for placenta polenta, I hope you try it the next time your woman gives birth after you have straight male-female sex with her. Straight male-female sex is the best!
Tom Cruise’s Placenta Polenta
2 cups polenta (not quick cooking—good things take time, like LOVVVE)
2 tsps salt (don’t use Kosher salt—Jews are nice, but they’re not Scientologists!)
8 cups water (preferably water that hasn’t been placed near any anti-depressants. Those are so unnecessary.)
1 placenta (Mmmmm…wait’ll you see the picture!)
(Aren’t you drooling? I bet you’re drooling.)
1. Bring water to a boil in a pot, add salt and then add polenta in a thin stream like the way Val Kilmer’s hair streamed in Top Gun, not that I noticed the way his hair streamed but it’s just a valid reference to help you understand your polenta pouring procedure. Dude, I’m really not gay–I just had a baby, for crying out loud, and I’m about to eat the placenta. Would a gay guy really eat a placenta? I don’t think so, girlfriend!
2. Sniff the placenta. If it smells rotten, find another recently mothered Scientologist former star of Dawson’s Creek and ask to borrow hers. Should this fail, consider using a calves’ liver. But first insert it into your woman’s orifice so it’s more like the genuine product. (Yo, I know that’s sick but it’s about the beauty of the ritual, y’all, ok! I’m just trying to keep it real.) Slice into small pieces.
3. Place the small pieces of placenta on top of the polenta. Mmmm, doesn’t that smell good? Allow the heat of the polenta to warm the placenta pieces before chewing. Perhaps drizzle with some olive oil, some Parmesan and some freshly chopped parsley? It’s a regular feast!
I’m so glad my woman could feed me with her love and feed me with her placenta. Now I’ll carry a piece of her in me always the way I carry a lock of Brad Pitt’s hair from “Interview” in my pocket always. That’s totally a joke! I don’t have pockets. I just have love for my woman. XOXO, Tommy.
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*screams and runs away*
i dont know what to say. but adam you have gone too far and i like it!
and
you won’t believe this, but my boyfriend refers to polenta as placenta. waaaah. i am so happy that we aren’t scientologists!
Dude,
I’m about to go to lunch.
Thanks for putting me on the placenta diet.
See placenta. Lose appetite.
Blech!
Boy are you gonna catch hell for this one! But I’m glad to see that you have such faith in your readers’ sense of humor. Huzzah!
I think you could have done more with the placenta… maybe spicing it up with same of Newman’s famous hot sauce.
Yuck!!! Don’t you have play to be writing?
When will the mother ship come to take Tom Cruise home?
For a side dish, how about some fava beans and perhaps a nice bottle of chianti? Paging Mr. Lecter, Mr. Hannibel Lecter….
man, go back to your play!!! ajjjjjj
You’re hilarious. I laughed out loud.
“first insert it into your woman’s orifice so it’s more like the genuine product.” —— O_o!!!!!
bleeuuggghhh. He didn’t seriously say that. The quote alone makes me lose my appetite.
I’m sorry, but scientology or no, the dude needs crazy pills, not placenta.
You are a crack monkey. And you can be my placenta’s daddy.
I may never read your recipes the same way ever again. Could have done without it-stick to your school work for awhile and chill.
Whew!! That play writing is really getting to you. The recipe is awful, not to mention the concept! But Tom probably deserves it. Go back to that funny play. Now!!!
Wickedly funny, dude!
Nasty! Brilliant, but nasty :)
Man, that is so disgusting, yet so funny! I feel bad for Katie Holmes… Tom is the craziest mofo in Hollywood (which is saying a lot).
Hilarious. Wickedly hilarious.
YUM!
i’m usually a lurker but felt compelled to comment after reading this hilarious post. that was so so funny, thanks for the laugh.
Gross!
But also funny …
I was eating lunch, when I started reading this. WAS. I, too, am on the placenta diet, now.
(but omg, I laughed out loud, after I put my soup down…this is the kind of stuff that keeps me coming back)
Maybe he’ll bring left-overs to the Oprah show and do a cooking segment.
That is the grossest thing I have ever seen in my life. You rule.
oh placenta! my friend actually ate the placenta when his baby was born (fried it in butter – “tastes like steak”). he was a vegetarian at the time and claimed it to be the only ethical meat. that story is always a hit at parties :)
Adam, what a fantastic way to return from your thesis writing blog break!! It’s so great to have some good ol’AG merriment again :)
Speaking of, best of luck with the writing. I’m sure if it hits theatres, you’ll have a house packed with your fans :)
i bet nicole is feeling a little giddy about now…
Incredibly useless waste of space. You’re much better than this. Like Chez Pim doing a Howard Stern.
I keep feeling this uncontrollable urge to heave; if I read this daily I just might have a great idea for a new weight loss plan!! (Tom Cruise so completely grosses me out that I can’t eat!)
Sure, the post is disgusting, but Tom Cruise got the ball rolling; we were all thinking about it anyway (more or less). I loved this.
i couldn’t stop laughing. i think working on that play is making you a little more crazy, a little more hollywood…but not really, cause placentas in hollywood are really gross…actually, placentas anywhere except in the womb are pretty nasty…EVEN IN THE WOMB! THEY’RE STILL PRETTY GROSS LOOKING!
A very good joke; gross and repulsive! You really have a good sense of humor even when the subject is delicate…
The worst part about it is that Tom Cruise seems to really think what he says, yucky yuck!!! Those crazy Scientologists don’t know when to stop with their crap…
Oh, my god, that was sooooo gross, but wickedly funny. Thanks for giving me yet another reason to not work on my dissertation!
All I can say is, watch and see if he don’t puke after he eats!! He is insane!!!
Well, this is certainly no cheese sandwhich posting.
How many hits have you had with this one? Wonder if it will beat the Janet Jackson cupcake post.
Icky, but someone had to do it. At least it was silly.
Dude, at least you could have put the picture after the jump. But still — funny. Sick, but funny.
o_O
that is awesome….you have been on quite a streak here lately, keep up the good work
That picture! That picture! I’ll be laughing all afternoon.
Classic. Bravo!
Someone’s been reading the Britney posts at GoFugYourself, or sounds like they have anyway. I am thinking about the half a bag of polenta I have left from when I made your fried polenta recipe a few months ago. Yeah, that’s going in the trash now.
Personally I think the recipe could use some worchestershire sauce!!!!!
OMG, this was high-larious! I laughed out loud while reading this! I’m sure if you showed it to Mr. Cruise, he would reply, “That’s not the correct recipe for placenta. You don’t know about this, but I do!”
love it! oh the placenta stories i could tell…. (seriously)
Someone did a tom cruise placenta paella rip that reminded me of your’s
http://mozartsskull.blogspot.com/2006/04/dustin-hargis-so-good-youll-eat-him-on.html
There ought to be a cookbook for Tom Cruise Fetal Matter Gourmet. lol
Tom Cruise is a psychopath and should be neutered first then put down right after!
Folks, you have to understand why he did all of this. First of all he was caught in bed with Rob Thomas and Rob’s wife walked in on their romping session. The wife threatened to tell all about what she saw and Tommy boy had to do something to prove that he was still the macho action hero he portrays to be (gotta keep the $$ and image under control somehow) SOOOO…he met up with his scientology playmates and conducted several interviews with up and becoming starlits, including a exasperated Scarlet Johansson, and eventually hooked up with a naive and impressionable C class actress named Katie Holmes. They had their little romping session soon after their meet and greet, and Voila! 9 months later Baby Suri surfaces. Wifey Kate is in the cards in the near future to further secure himself of his identity as a father and husband and to keep those pesky rumours about Rob Thomas at bay.
Tommy boy is now again in the spotlight for another reason he eats placentas and umbilical cords – atta boy, he’s now one up – Tom the Cannibal!
I would be so proud to be one of your readers knowing that I was part of a group recommending neutering and being killed.
I quote from Kate:
“Tom Cruise is a psychopath and should be neutered first then put down right after!”
Clearly by allowing this comment you don’t know where to draw the line. I don’t have a problem with your lampooning, since it is your right, but if you can’t be bothered being responsible for editing the comments to remove recommendations of criminal acts then you shouldn’t have this blog in my opinion.
You guys think it’s so funny but look at the psychopaths making the comments with you and then you decide who are the nutcases.
Keep laughing suckers.
My name is Enrico, I’m illegal in Panama and other asian countries because its none of your business. One question; What the (your favourite word here) is wrong with you psychopaths?
mmm. placenta.
Since everyone is talking about the placenta, i thot you wld like to look at this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgL-u_RB2EQ
ahahhahahahahahahahahahha
katie is so hungry!!
ahahhahahahahahahahahahha
katie is so hungry!!
Tom Cruise needs some ritalin so he’ll stop jumping on Oprah couch.
omg, you guys are sick.
eating somthing that came out of a pussy.
my friend actually ate the placenta when his baby was born fried it in butter – “tastes like steak”. he was a vegetarian at the time and claimed it to be the only ethical meat. that story is always a hit at parties.