“”I’m going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.” – Tom Cruise, GQ Magazine
Yeow! Tom Cruise here! Katie–the most beautiful, breathtaking womanly woman in the universe, God I love her so much–just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Naturally, I’m going to do what any normal L. Ron Hubbard-loving dad would do and eat the placenta. Yum! But I’m not no lame-ass Native American type placenta eater (no offense to Native Americans, I loved your work in “Dances With Wolves”–you guys were so amazing), I’m a believer in serving up placenta with flair. So here’s my recipe for placenta polenta, I hope you try it the next time your woman gives birth after you have straight male-female sex with her. Straight male-female sex is the best!
Tom Cruise’s Placenta Polenta
2 cups polenta (not quick cooking—good things take time, like LOVVVE)
2 tsps salt (don’t use Kosher salt—Jews are nice, but they’re not Scientologists!)
8 cups water (preferably water that hasn’t been placed near any anti-depressants. Those are so unnecessary.)
1 placenta (Mmmmm…wait’ll you see the picture!)
(Aren’t you drooling? I bet you’re drooling.)
1. Bring water to a boil in a pot, add salt and then add polenta in a thin stream like the way Val Kilmer’s hair streamed in Top Gun, not that I noticed the way his hair streamed but it’s just a valid reference to help you understand your polenta pouring procedure. Dude, I’m really not gay–I just had a baby, for crying out loud, and I’m about to eat the placenta. Would a gay guy really eat a placenta? I don’t think so, girlfriend!
2. Sniff the placenta. If it smells rotten, find another recently mothered Scientologist former star of Dawson’s Creek and ask to borrow hers. Should this fail, consider using a calves’ liver. But first insert it into your woman’s orifice so it’s more like the genuine product. (Yo, I know that’s sick but it’s about the beauty of the ritual, y’all, ok! I’m just trying to keep it real.) Slice into small pieces.
3. Place the small pieces of placenta on top of the polenta. Mmmm, doesn’t that smell good? Allow the heat of the polenta to warm the placenta pieces before chewing. Perhaps drizzle with some olive oil, some Parmesan and some freshly chopped parsley? It’s a regular feast!
I’m so glad my woman could feed me with her love and feed me with her placenta. Now I’ll carry a piece of her in me always the way I carry a lock of Brad Pitt’s hair from “Interview” in my pocket always. That’s totally a joke! I don’t have pockets. I just have love for my woman. XOXO, Tommy.