Toasted Coconut Marshmallows FROM HELL

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New York, NY. April 18, 2006—For foodblogger Adam Roberts, the night started out like any other. “I was crying into my pillow and cursing my existence like I always do,” he told reporters yesterday. “When I suddenly had the urge to make Ina Garten’s toasted coconut marshmallows.”

Roberts saw Ms. Garten make these marshmallows on her program “The Barefoot Contessa.” Roberts explains, “I’ve always wanted to be barefoot, I’ve always wanted to be a contessa. I felt like this was a perfect opportunity.”

Roberts began by dissolving gelatin in cold water. “My friend Lisa doesn’t eat gelatin because it comes from dead horses. Lucky for me, I hate horses,” Roberts laughs. (Hillary Swank was unavailable for comment.)

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Next, Roberts brought sugar, corn syrup, water and salt to a boil. He raised the temperature to 240 degrees which, incidentally, is the temperature at which he was conceived. “My parents lived in a volcano,” Roberts explains. “They nourished themselves on lava rocks.”

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He added the sugar syrup to the gelatin in the electric mixer which he turned on to a high speed. “Whee!” shouted Roberts, somewhat childishly. “I love things that move fast!”

As the mixture whisked away, Roberts toasted coconut in a saute pan. “Put the lime in the coconut,” he sang. “And drink the bowl up…sing with me! He put the lime in the coconut.” Out of nowhere, Roberts was socked in the head.

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It was at this moment that events turned tragic. The marshmallow mixture, which was supposed to mix for 15 minutes “until very thick” became too thick to handle.

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“What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?” shrieked Roberts.

He attempted to discharged the marshmallow mixture with a rubber spatula which proved disastrous. “Oh no!” Roberts whinnied. “I lost the rubber end!”

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Fortunately, Roberts pulled his s**t together after a mysterious stranger once again socked him in the head. “Ow!” Roberts commented.

Roberts layered half the toasted coconut mixture on the bottom of a 9 X 13 pan. He poured the marshmallow on top.

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“This marshmallow mixture is so hard to handle,” Roberts moaned. “It’s like hot paste.”

He sprinkled the remaining toasted coconut on top.

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And then let the mixture dry overnight. Roberts spent this night in a dark alley with a wino and a transgendered waitress named Kiki. “Kiki does the best Wayne Newton impression,” Roberts enthused. “Show the reporter, Kiki!” Kiki socked Roberts in the face.

The next morning Roberts sliced the marshmallow into squares and layered it into tupperware for his Tuesday class.

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His classmates cheered. “Mmmm,” they cried. “This is outstanding!” Sadly, Roberts later learned that they were not reacting to his marsmallows but to a new Glade plug-in someone brought to class.

Roberts confesses that though his feelings were hurt, he will still press on. “I am a trooper,” he says. “I troop. That’s what troopers do.” Roberts said this from an airplane as a drill sargeant opened the door and told Roberts to “move out.”

“No, I’m a trooper not a para-trooper,” he shrieked. We all had a good laugh as he was thrust outwards without a parachute. Some trooper.

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