Donuts of Our Lives By, Lisa

July 13, 2005 | By lisaghee | COMMENTS

Tonight’s saga begins in the living room of my erstwhile roommate, Liz.  After Liz brainwashed my brother and tried to kill me (but instead killed my evil twin), I had to move out, so now she lives with Alyssa.  Alyssa is my brother’s girlfriend’s ex-wife and the mother of my eldest step-child. 

To celebrate Liz’s newfound freedom from an insanity serum that her ex-husband had been slipping into her coffee every morning, we decided to make something from our favorite cookbook.

After much deliberation, Liz and Alyssa came to the conclusion that we should make Alice Horton’s recipe for cinnamon sugar donuts.  After all, it was a cinnamon sugar donut that saved Liz from that alien back in ‘84. 

For step 1, Alyssa took the driver’s seat.  We first needed to beat the eggs, then gradually add the sugar.  Being the daughter of the evil Stefano, Alyssa couldn’t help but add a touch of mind control powder to the mix. 

After adding milk, shortening and vanilla, then combining with the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, salt), we ended up with a respectable looking dough:

Unfortunately, Liz took a few too many tastes of the dough, and Alyssa’s mind control powder had already gone to her head…

You can see here the gray hair stripe commonly associated with mind control powder victims… It took about eight glasses of antidote to calm her down (she thought the whisk was her long lost cousin Ambrose).  Luckily, we had to refrigerate the dough for 30-60 minutes, so we didn’t lose too much time. 

Once the dough was ready, we were then to roll or press it to a ½ inch thickness.  Liz was still a little doped up at this point, so Alyssa worked her magic. 

At this point the recipe called for a doughnut cutter, but Liz and Alyssa had lost theirs back in May when a tribe of mutant bakers attacked them and took all of their fanciest cooking supplies.  So we used a glass to cut the circles and a knife to cut out the middles.  I think it did the job.  Here are the donuts pre-oven:

As you can see, everything was in order when we put the donuts in the oven.  They only take ten minutes to bake (I know that donuts are usually fried, but I guess this recipe called for baking because people on soap operas need to stay slender…), but boy did a lot happen in those ten minutes.

Once Liz came to, she realized that her precious emerald pendant was missing.  She accused Alyssa of stealing it since Alyssa has always said it was rightfully hers (Alyssa was Liz’s mother’s step-daughter for over two years and feels she should have inherited it), and a horrible brawl ensued. 

Though Alyssa can throw a mean punch, Liz was one step ahead of the game.  Since her fourth husband was a doctor and she got some of his equipment in the settlement, Liz had a syringe filled with poison in her pocket!  In the heat of the moment, she stabbed Alyssa in the thigh with it, and in just moments Alyssa was DEAD.

I ran to her side, but then I heard the oven ding so I had to take the donuts out of the oven. 

I debated at this point whether to call 911 or brush the donuts with butter and cover them with cinnamon sugar.  But then I heard some weird beeps and I realized that Alyssa was actually a robot.  The syringe with poison had just caused a malfunction.  But what happened to the real Alyssa?  We may never know….

At least the donuts turned out well.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives…

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