The Pastry Swan

Screw religion, I’ve got reality TV to teach me values. “Survivor” teaches me that only I matter and that toilet paper is a luxury many can’t afford. I’ve taken to palm fronds, now. “The Real World” teaches me that every house should have an Asian, an African-American and a homosexual. I have several, now, bound and gagged in my pantry. I love those guys! And, of course, “The Apprentice” teaches me that bad hair is acceptable if you wear it with confidence. I’m totally getting a perm tomorrow!

But the reality show that really takes the cake is “The Swan.” This show teaches me that beauty is attainable not by enlightened thinking or kindness but, instead, by lots and lots and lots of plastic surgery. I’m totally getting a nose job tomorrow! (Actually, after my AJC pic, maybe I should…) “The Swan” is a primer for those who believe that someone will love them for what’s on the inside. Wrong! Do Fashion magazines take pictures of your insides? I don’t think so. “The Swan” is so right.

Anyway, this got me thinking about pastry swans. I think it’s irresponsible of pastry chefs to make pastry swans with cream on the inside because this creates the false illusion that what’s on the inside matters. That’s so messed up! So to remedy this I’ve devised a little contest I like to call “The Pastry Swan.” I’ve selected a pastry swan at random for you guys to make over using Photoshop. Here’s our brave subject now:


I think we can all agree that this pastry swan is SO the before picture. Who would ever want to date a limp pastry in a pool of chocolate sauce? I rest my case.

So noble readers, muster up your inner Isaac Mizrahis and get to work. This pastry swan could totally be pastry princess with the proper guidance and gutting. Now’s your chance! Please submit photos by e-mail or by pasting a link to the picture in the comments. Winner will receive a pat on the back and the knowledge that your loving hand helped save a pastry swan from dessert oblivion.

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