The Carbohydrate Manifesto

How did we come to this?

Yesterday, I was pumping gas at the QT and in the little plastic picture frame above the gas meter was an ad: “We Now Offer Low Carb Lunches!” At the Atlanta Bread Company, where I went for lunch today, a large banner hung overhead: “Check out our low carb options!” On TV, just now, I saw an ad for an Atkins supplement bar: “To get you the vitamins and nutrients you need on your low carb diet!”

According to a February report from market researcher ACNielsen, more than 17% of those polled reported that someone in the household was on a low-carbohydrate diet.

America is choking down this anti-carbohydrate propoganda and the food community is in an uproar. At least this member is!

Look, I understand how hard it is to lose weight. I have a mother and grandmother who dieted my whole childhood–everything from weight watchers to Suzanne Summers to Oprah to Donahue and back–and I know that the process can be devastatingly slow and results can be slim. But I can’t help but believe that this no-carb diet is a bad thing. Anything in excess is a bad thing. Cutting a food group completely out of your life is a bad thing.

Not only that, the impact is significant. Carbohydrate-based companies like Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and Panera Bread are losing money. Carb consumption is becoming taboo. Bread sits uneaten on the table. Pasta and pizza joints are firing waiters. Lauren and I went to Osteria tonight and the waiters outnumbered the customers.

I went to Osteria tonight, actually, to prove a point. The point is this: I want carbs. I like carbs. Carbs are good.

Here is the pasta I ordered:


Do you know what it’s made of? Carbs. And do you know what it tasted like? Delicious.

People, we are in a Carb Crisis, and I want to do something about it. Together, we can make a difference. I even made this motivational video:

Download The SAVE THE CARBS Movie.

That’s right, kids. Tonight we launch the SAVE THE CARBS! campaign. If I could make a button for the site I would do that but I don’t know how. Do you? You should! And then give it to me! Only with eachother’s help can we SAVE THE CARBS!

But here’s an actual constructive idea that I would like to implement immediately. I am going to do so in bold.


That’s right. Spread the word. This Thursday everyone–including you–will eat a gratuitous carbohydrate. No, not your daily dose of granola; we’re talking a mega-cupcake, or a big black and white cookie. Thursday, we’re going start a revolution and start it right. And if you have a website, please spread the word. The more people who know about it, the greater the impact we can make. Plus what else do you have to do? It’s not like you have a vibrant social life. I’m just saying.

So, in conclusion, don’t do it for your country. Don’t do it for your God, or your mother, or your accountant. Do it for the organ that matters most. No, not that one. Do it for your stomach. Only you can save the carbs, America. Won’t you?

You may also like