Finding The Carbs Within (A Special Report From Anita Carbohydrate)

May 19, 2004 | By | COMMENTS

I saw it today, again, on the counter:

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More anti-Carb propoganda.

Today a small child in Boston, holding a pretzel, was shot dead by a gang of anti-Carb vigilantes.

A woman in Houston, cradling some bobka, was run over by a truck with the license plate ATKINS.

Tony Randall died.

People, something must be done. Something is being done. This Thursday. What are YOU going to do about it?

Here to help is our very own Anita Carbohydrate to give you her suggestions for a fun and SAFE National Carb Awareness Day:

Thanks, Ad.

With Carb Awareness Day rapidly approaching, many site readers are scratching their heads wondering: “What will I do to honor carbs on Carb Awareness Day?” No need to be ashamed! We all often feel inadequate when it comes to celebrating carbs. Heck, my husband can’t even get an erection! But that’s another story.

I’m here to help you (as the title of this post suggests) FIND THE CARBS WITHIN. We all have carbohydrates inside of us waiting to burst out. Some of us let our carbs burst out regularly, and some of us are blocked…the carbs festering inside us for days! Not to worry… I’m here to unclog your creative intestines by giving you 5–count ‘em, 5!–Good Ideas for making your Carb Awareness Day the best ever. Let’s get to it!

GOOD IDEA #1: KEEP A CARB JOURNAL

Now I know it sounds silly. Heck, the last time I kept a journal my husband read it when I wasn’t home and found out that I was unhappy with our sex life. Oops! But journaling can be a deeply rewarding experience. And what better way to FIND THE CARBS within than to write about every carbohydrate you ever ingested? Start with childhood. Do you remember your first cookie? What kind was it? Are you sure? Can you verify that? Good journalers are good fact-checkers.

GOOD IDEA #2: ROLL AROUND IN OATS

Did you know oats are high in carbohydrates? One cup of oats has approximately 100 grams of the stuff. So why not roll around in them? Come on! Why so rigid? Rolling around in oats is a great way to let the world know that you are serious about carbs. Plus, when you’re done, you can take a hot bath and make oatmeal. Who doesn’t love oatmeal after a bath?

GOOD IDEA #3: DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND

Face it: your marriage is over. Why keep lying to yourself? Your husband doesn’t love you nor does he appreciate you. And he’s impotent. The time has come to reevaluate. Is this really what you wanted when you took those vows? Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Serve him with papers and then serve yourself some carbs.

GOOD IDEA #4: MAKE COOKIES

Nothing says “I love carbs!” more than cookie-making. On “Carb Awareness Day” why not make 8000 cookies? You can give the cookies to charity. And keeping your oven active will discourage you from sticking your head inside.

GOOD IDEA #5: HAVE FUN!

There’s no right way to celebrate carbohydrates. As long as you plan wisely, live cautiously, and eat until you’re fat fat fat and who cares because what’s the point anyway you will have the most fabulous Carb Awareness Day ever. I know I will! Wishing you all the best…

Anita Carbohydrate.

Categories: Uncategorized

  • http://vidiot.typepad.com Vidiot

    So is that where rolled oats come from?

  • tara

    I have to tell you about the most ridiculous low-carb product I’ve seen so far. Okay, any runners out there, or their family members, know that runners are constantly in search of carbs that are easily consumable mid-run, often in the form of sports drinks, gels, or bars. Right? Over especially long distances, say marathons or half marathons, this prevents people from depleting their glycogen stores so thoroughly that they begin talking to the little green men or decide to lie down in the middle of the street for a while.

    So you’d think this would be one market segment the low-carb companies would stay away from, but no. At a recent race, there were a bunch of vendor booths selling discounted shoes, etc. All the booths were packed with people except this one selling a low-carb sports drink. Nobody was giving these people the time of day. They couldn’t even give their samples away! hee.

  • http://www.elise.com/ elise

    Anita sounds suspiciously like Pancetta’s alter ego…