Corn Eaters March on the Capitol


The Gay Corn Eaters of Georgia marched on the Capitol today, chanting “We Shall All Eat Corn” and other rousing spirituals. They were met by the Anti-Gay-Cornists who wielded Bibles and posters espousing anti-gay-corn-eating rhetoric.

One of the Anti-Gay-Cornists, PJ Owens, held a sign saying: “Homo Sex is a Sin.”


“What does that have to do with corn?” asked a leery spectator.

“Well,” mumbled PJ, “it’s like corn is phallic right? And if a man eats something phallic that’s homo sex, right? Well that’s a sin.”

Others met on the steps of the capital and attempted to reconcile their differences with discourse.


“I don’t belive in cornohomophobia,” said a woman with a pink sweater with an unhappy looking daughter.

“I think that’s just the media trying to brainwash the public.”

A man in a white t-shirt responded: “But that’s easy for you to say, you can eat corn. We can’t.”

The woman shook her head.

“I just think the family is sacred,” she declared, “and if we let gays eat corn we’ll soil the fabric of our society.” She then smacked a cob from the hands of her daughter, Ida Mae, lamenting: “Ida Mae if you eat that cob you’re gonna be fat! Mommy doesn’t love a fatty!”

In another corner, three Baptist preachers held colorful signs kindly suggesting that gays not eat corn.


“I now pronounce you pervert and pervert!” read one sign.

“What does that have to do with corn?” asked a leery spectator.

“Corn eating is like marriage,” explained the preacher. “And a gay and a cob who unite in sin are perverts.”

Other signs quoted Leviticus: “Thou shalt not eat corn with mankind as one eats corn with womankind. It is abomination.”

“What about polenta?” shouted Connie Chung from a helicopter.

“No,” the preachers responded, “that’s a sin too.”

The Gay Corn Eaters and Anti-Gay-Cornists butted heads on almost every issue except one. This guy, most certainly, should not be allowed to eat corn.



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