The Chocolate Chronicles: Chapter Two, Chocolates Eight and Nine

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.

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Last we spoke there were two chocolates eaten. Careful observation will reveal that there are seven chocolates missing. Seven minus two leaves five. Who ate these five? What slovenly creature would sink to such depths as to ingest five high quality chocolates, given as a gift to a boy with an Oedipal complex?

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She looks so smug doesn’t she? Lauren the dastardly roommate. Body language experts agree that her stance is saying: “Yes, I ate your chocolate. And I’m about to eat another one. What are you going to do about it?”

I whip out my camera and proudly declare: “I shall document your thievery and broadcast it to the world!”

“Whatever floats your boat,” she says and takes a bite. Suddenly she is transformed.

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“Mmmm,” she sings. “Mommy likes chocolate! My chocolate has yummy insides!”

She scampers off into her bedroom and I am left alone with the box.

“Very well,” I say and select the chocolate wrapped in red foil.

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“Here goes nothing,” I say and pop it into my mouth.

“Oops.” I spit it back out and take the foil off.

I take a bite.

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It is a delicious with a cherry-filled center. “Delicious!” I declare.

And then I dribble some on my shirt.*

“Shit!”

I run to the sink.

“Out damn spot! Out I say!”

* This last portion of “The Chocolate Chronicles: Chapter Two, Chocolates Eight and Nine” is a fiction devised to create a symmetry by opening and closing with quotes from “Macbeth.” This devise works marvellously to frame a piece and since there are very few “Macbeth” quotes that describe the finer qualities of chocolate, a fake spillage allows for aesthetic unity.**

** It just occurred to me that “Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark” is a quote from Hamlet. Therefore, my piece has been sabotaged by inadquate Shakespeare quoting. Perhaps it would be appropriate to follow Cole Porter’s advise and brush up a little:

Brush up your Shakespeare

Start quoting him now

Brush up your Shakespeare

And the women you will wow

Just declaim a few lines from Othella

And they’ll think you’re a heck of a fella

If your blonde won’t respond when you flatter ‘er

Tell her what Tony told Cleopatterer

And if still to be shocked she pretends, well

Just tell her that All’s Well That Ends Well

Brush up your Shakespeare

And they’ll all kow-tow

Brush up your Shakespeare…

If your goil is a Washington Heights dream

Treat the kid to a Midsummer Nights dream

With the wife of the British embessida

Try a crack out of Troilus and Cressida

If she says she won’t buy it or like it

Make her tike it, what’s more As You Like It

Brush up your Shakespeare

And they’ll all kow-tow

Brush up your Shakespeare…

If you can’t be a ham and do Hamlet

They will not give a damn or a damnlet

Just recite an occasional sonnet

And your lap’ll have Honey upon it

When your baby is pleading for pleasure

Let her sample your Measure for Measure

Brush up your Shakespeare

And they’ll all kow-tow – Forsooth

And they’ll all kow-tow – Odd’s bodkins

And they’ll all kow-tow

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