Janet Jackson Breast Cupcakes

The mission was simple. Turn Janet Jackson’s breast into a work of edible art.

But how?

I spent the past few days searching my soul for the answer. When my soul proved insufficient, I went to eGullet. When that failed, I searched my subject’s lyrics archive for a clue.

The lyrics to “If” seemed to address my very plight: “Sittin over here / starin in your face [sub “breast”] / with lust [sub “culinary ambition”] in my eyes…don’t know that I’ve been dreamin of ya in my fantasies.”

Finally, I called my dear friend Katy.

“Katy,” I said. “It’s Adam.”

“Hi Adam,” she replied.

“I am making Janet Jackson breast cupcakes.”

“OK.”

“How do I do this?” I begged. Katy knows a lot about cooking and Katy has breasts.

“Let me think about it and e-mail you.”

Soon after I received the following advice:

I think you should do a whipped cream chocolate icing (rather than buttercream or ganache or something) because it’s lighter in color. Janet is a little more latte than bittersweet, I’d say. You could flavor the icing with coffee, actually, and that would be yummy! Mmmmm.

Genius! I went to my Nigella Lawson “How To Be A Domestic Goddess” cookbook and found her recipe for Cappucino cupcakes. The frosting was a white chocolate / sour cream frosting, but I could distribute the cocoa at my discretion and achieve the perfect Janet Jackson skin tone.

Off I went to Publix on my mission, listening to Janet in the car. (This part is a lie but it adds dramatic heft to my story). Belting along to “Again” (the song from “Poetic Justice”) Janet and I beseached the world: “How can I be strong…time and time again.” We concluded with sadness: “That I’ll never fall in love with you again.”

* * * * * * * *

Fast forward several hours. The cupcake cake part is complete:

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Making the batter, actually, was incredibly easy. Nigella simply has you throw everything–flour, eggs, sugar, milk and instant espresso powder–into a food process and “blitz.”

But now the hard part. Creating the perfect breast color tone. I began with Nigella’s instruction to melt white chocolate and butter in a double broiler:

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I then sifted together powdered sugar and a cautious amount of cocoa. After adding half a cup of sour cream to the chocolate and butter, I added the sugar/cocoa mixture. Alas, the color was perfect:

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Next, then, I added the nipple. A simple Hershey’s kiss:

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Here I hit a wall. How to create the nipple shield that boggled so many viewers the night of the Superbowl?

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Suddenly, inspiriation struck.

“I know!” I said to no one in particular. “I’ll use that small tube of white icing I purchased a while back.”

Sure enough, the likeness was uncanny. See for yourself:

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Then for the final comparison:

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Genius!

As for taste, they were supple, gooey and on a scale from 1 to 10 about a Double D.

Roommates and Janet fans alike agreed.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was a job well done. Even Rolling Stone was there to cover it:

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THE END

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