Ugly Fruit

“Ugly Fruit it’s gonna move you / it’s just a song that gets right to ya!”

So goes the commercial. But why is it advertised as gum?

In any case, I continued my quest for all fruits bizarre and ill-sounding today at Whole Foods when I picked up an Ugly Fruit. At least I think it’s an Ugly Fruit. I mean look at it, it’s ugly!


I put it on the cutting board and basked in its ugliness.


“Damn girl,” I said. “You ugly.”

The ugly fruit flashed its navel. “Shut up child, you don’t know my life.”

Like Lucy Liu in “Kill Bill,” I immediately sliced its head off.


Inside, it looked like an orange but much much bigger. As for taste, it tasted like an orange with a hint of grapefruit but much much bigger.

I actually enjoyed the Ugly Fruit. Lauren did too.

“Mmm,” she said. “Not bad.”

“It sho is ugly, though,” I said.

Lauren shook her head.

“I mean DAMN,” I continued, “this fruit is so ugly…”

“I’ll be in the other room,” Lauren concluded.

Why she gotta be trippin?

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